Doing My Civic Duty!

A public service announcement I wrote on a piece of paper and placed on the el seat:

DO NOT SIT HERE: MOIST

I'm really glad I didn't give into the guy who kept asking if I, or my travelling companions, wanted to sit. Because after he gave up on that, he stood up, shouted "Excuse me! Does anyone have any newspapers or something? Because someone peed on this seat." Someone? Sir, I have a sneaking suspicion you peed on that seat. So, after telling a couple of randoms that they shouldn't sit there, because there's a 75% chance of urine, we decided to make a sign. I'm proud of myself.

This is the Jump.

Nothing Since March 19? Really?

Okay, so I think we can all agree that I've been remiss in doing anything other than make fun of arena football teams that haven't stepped on an indoor field since before I could drive, but certainly something amusing has passed through my head, right?

Checking my handy-dandy little notebook, apparently... I dislike my Mortgage Banking Overlords, for whom I will have to suffer through some sales workshop that has no bearing on my actual life next week. (Look forward to that, though I may avoid it, no matter what the chance for humor.) Oh, I watched the pilot episode of The Riches, which I rather liked. Even if Minnie Driver is the creepiest of the creepy when all strung-out. But Eddie Izzard is enjoyable, and I will steal his humor (he's British, so I suppose it's "humour") when it suits my fancy. And the daughter is good-looking and not a bad actress. (And not freakily-young, so no worries there.)

I also found out via Deadspin comments that John Spencer allegedly was a jerk to crew members, and made people cry. This bothers me deeply, but I can still want to be as skilled as John Spencer, and be nice to people. So, whatever. Also, a Google search on "John Spencer makes people cry" doesn't come up with anything. So, I'm going to file that under "L" for "Lies, lies! Why do you lie? What makes you lie?!?"

On the 21st, at 1:09 AM, apparently something happened that caused me to write the following:

iTunes Knows!
-Cecilia, Simon and Garfunkel
-Mr. Jones, Counting Crows
-Sheep Go to Heaven, Cake

So, that's cryptic. Not 100% sure what iTunes knew, because I can't remember what I was thinking about at the time, but iTunes in interestingly predictive...

I briefly considered taking the LSAT or applying to the CIA, but for the wrong reasons...

John Dixon looks like a young Dick Van Dyke, of which I'm envious, because I wish I was a young Dick Van Dyke...

That came up, because I'm understudying John for Dog & Pony's production of Noah Haidle's Mr. Marmalade at the Storefront Theater at/in/part of Gallery 37 downtown. So, that's going on. That and Kafka's The Castle, with the Right Brain Project, which opens at the Trapdoor Theatre on May 10.

The rest of my notes are my expenses and stuff. So, I guess I've been a little consumed with Mr. Marmalade and The Castle, and my Profiles Theatre class wrapping up. Kim had a going-away party last weekend that was delightful, and we'll miss her terribly. She'll be in Japan, teaching English for a year. Which is an excellent excuse to bring up this historical Conversation That Actually Happened, circa Spring 2001:

Why is she going there? [Ed. note - Prague, I think]
To teach English to people who don't know it.
For good?
No, for evil.

This has been another installment of Conversations That Actually Happened Theater. Good day.

This is the Jump.

I Know I'm Not The First to Mention This

But, I will forever be amused by the Many Faces of Bo Ryan, Captain, Team Freak-Out.

2004/2005, I think. (Google has a tendency to lie.)

2005/2006. Probably.

This past weekend. I stole this from the Deadspin post, because I can't find the original to download to my computer and make a poster with which I can frighten children into behaving.

So, sorry for the bandwidth theft, Deadspin. I'll fix it eventually, and make this post more interesting than just "Ha ha! Look at Crazy-Ass Bo Ryan!"

This is the Jump.

It Would Be Difficult to Be a Bigger Nerd

So. You can feel free to ignore this post, if you're some sort of connoisseur of quality writing, or in-depth analysis, because I'm just going to tell you that I wish I had been watching TV with someone, rather than by myself tonight, because I found myself to be very clever.

First, the only show I watched was Battlestar Galactica, which immediately limits my co-audience to people who aren't put off by the fact that the drama takes place in space, where there are robots-what-look-like-humans who are trying to kill our protagonists.
It's good drama, most of the time. Crisp writing. Plot twists. Good acting. So, get over yourself about the robots/space/future/imaginary-military stuff. You watch cop dramas, right? You watch 24? That's equally unbelievable - it's the story that's important.

But I digress. The two delightful things were as follows:

1) There's a guy who's on trial for being a bastard and letting a bunch of the robots-what-look-like-people kill a bunch of the people-who-are-in-fact-people-unless-they're-robot-sleepers-in-disguise. Bad crazy, president, bad! So, during this trial (in spaaaaaace), the prosecuting attorney lets us know that he, due to the allegations of genocide, must pay the Ultimate Price.

Clearly, Gaius Baltar will have to live with the Farrises[1]. And that's a television show I'd watch religiously. I'm going to pitch that as a television show, actually. As soon as I wrap my mind around it and can condense it into a sentence or two. Because right now it reads like this:

So, this genius scientist guy who's currently all scruffy and Jesus-looking has this megalomania thing going on, as genius scientists are wont to do, right? He's almost wiped out humanity twice, he found out his girlfriend was a robot, initially bent on the destruction of the human race, and he currently is hallucinating his sexy robot girlfriend and writing polemics on the rising aristocracy. He has to live with a college marching band director who's even weirder, and his wife, who is a total mystery, but briefly was thought to be a vampire. (This was later proven to be untrue. Or at least unlikely.) Hijinks ensue.

2) This is less involved. One character says, "I have a feeling about [something something]," leading the second character to say "Just a feeling?" Clearly, I must pause the TiVo, and sing Boston's "More Than a Feeling," briefly. I then un-pause the TiVo, to hear the character say "More than a feeling..."

I cheer.

[1]If you were never in NUMB, this was an actual conversation, once upon a time: "Then he'll have to pay the ultimate price." "He'll have to move in with Mr. Farris?" Of course, when he got married, it got amended to "the Farrises." I appreciate the correction to that quote, if it needs a correction.

This is the Jump.

Also, I'm Going to Take This Opportunity to Bitch, Briefly

Right now, I could not hate these people more if they were actually, honest-to-goodnes Nazis, transported here through space and time. I know that probably sounds excessive, but I am really tired of the smarmy attitude and all the rest. I don't care if they succeed or fail. In fact, I would prefer they fail. I'm considering renting for the rest of my life. That way I would never contribute to the paychecks of these people, or people like them. I could also, concievably pay cash for a home, but let's be realistic... I'd be 90 by the time I had enough liquid funds to do that.

I'm going to put somebody in a coma today.

This is the Jump.

You Also Might Enjoy My Other Endeavors

Or, if you're British, "endeavours."

The reason it's been a week between posts was that I've been collaborating on It's Still Football, a blog dedicated to the fact that we really like football, and are willing to make fun of the Arena Football League. It's like smack addicts who start injecting heroin into their eyeballs when they run out of veins. Or something. I stole that line, and I've been looking for an excuse to use it.

Anyway, we think we're amusing. Check it out?

This is the Jump.

Everything Old Is New Again: (The) Flight of The Phoenix

The Greeks said that there were only a certain number of dramatic plots that existed, and everything is a variation on those. Occasionally, the movies say "screw it," and just re-make an old movie. I like old movies, I like new movies, I like movies. Are the originals always superior? Are the remakes simply vanity projects and lazy filmmaking? Or is it possible that you can improve on what's already out there? Oh, P.S., I'm spoiling these movies, so if you want to be surprised, go somewhere else.

The Flight of the Phoenix (1965) vs. Flight of the Phoenix (2004)

Plot synopsis:

Crusty old-ish pilot (Jimmy Stewart/Dennis Quaid) is hired to fly a bunch of oil company people out of some craphole desert back to civilization. This goes exactly as planned, except for the fact that they crash in the desert (Sahara/Gobi), and are royally screwed. Roughly half the crew bites it, one way or the other, and a vaguely-creepy quasi-albino guy (Hardy Kruger/Giovanni Ribisi doing a Hardy Kruger impersonation) says "Hey, I can make a new plane from this old plane, because my company builds planes!" So, they all get to work building a impromptu plane, while fighting the desert and each other, and we all learn something about cooperation and weirdos in the desert.

Advantage, 1965:

Congratulations, Ben Nye: your work as makeup supervisor was exemplary in that I was completely repulsed by the open sores you created on Richard Attenborough and co., as well as the way you managed to make Jimmy Stewart look like hell on toast. Unless 1965 was just the year Jimmy decided to get craggy and jowly and ill-looking. But those sun-induced pustules? Truly unpleasant. Additionally, we'll give you points for involving Richard Attenborough and Jimmy Stewart, because they're quite good, making a relatively weak script look okay. Especially Sir Richard losing his shit towards the end and just cackling like a maniac. Also, way to not be afraid of starting your title with an article, there, The Flight of the Phoenix. Creepy Quasi-Albino Guy was German, which made everyone kind of nervous. Oh, the Brits and the Germans, and the Americans, working together in a post-war world, what will they think of next? The final take-off scene is actually preferable in this one, because they flew a real plane, and that's freaky-cool. But flaky skin and whatnot... eeegh.... That's really the champion, here.

Advantage, 2004:

90% of the supporting cast was more enjoyable in the future. If nothing else, we got Hugh Laurie as Corporate Douchebag, where he was smarmy to everyone and was pretty useful, unlike our 1965 CD, who just wandered around and looked sad the whole time. The rest of them may have been one-and-a-half-dimensional ethnic stereotypes (Diminutive Mexican Cook! Angry African-American With Something to Prove! Woman Also With Something to Prove! Middle Eastern Philosopher Guy!), but at least they were ethnic. Neither Cockney nor French counts, nor does having an ethnic-type-person in there for the first 3 minutes of the movie and then whacking them. (Bouzuki-playing Dead Greek Guy, and Hispanic Dead Guy, I'm looking at you.) For no discernable reason, co-pilot and pilot go through their pre-flight checklist as Bill Cosby and Bill Clinton, which was funny, but totally baffling. Jimmy and Richard don't imitate anyone.

You suck:
-Ernest Borgnine (1965). What are you doing in this movie? You're playing a crazy guy with no purpose! What the hell?
-Jury-rigged sexual tension (2004). Why does the one lady have to have the hots for the pilot? There's no real reason for it.
-Dennis Quaid's penchant for phoning scenes in (2004). He kind of gives up when he doesn't like the dialogue he's given. Suck it up, Dennis. You're way better, when you're having more fun.
-Music (1965). So, you're telling me you have a transistor radio that picks up Italian love songs, in the middle of the desert? Why even have the love theme? Don't get too smug, 2004, you included "Hey Ya."
-Denoument (1965). Wacky music + ending up in some random oasis = zzzz. Once they take off, I trust that they're going to be okay.

Better Crash Sequence:

This gets its own line because the 2004 crash sequence ruled. I know, I know, we live in a CGI age, where we can smash fake planes through sand dunes and really go apeshit with how crazy crashing in the desert is, but too bad for you, 1965! Your model airplane smooshing into a sandbox is not nearly as fun as some guy falling out of the back of the plane and sending up a little sand-plume.

Character Comparison:
Jimmy Stewart v. Dennis Quaid -- Stewart +10. Workmanlike efforts by both parties, but Dennis Quaid gives up too frequently.
Richard Attenborough vs. Tyrese Gibson -- Attenborough +50. Sorry, Tyrese, but you've got nothing on Sir Richard for pathos.
Hardy Kruger vs. Giovanni Ribisi -- Kruger +.1 Giovanni does a hell of a job being a weirdo, but he's kind of just robbing Hardy. Down to the hairdo and spectacles.
Hugh Laurie vs. Whoever That Guy Was -- Laurie +199. Sorry, Estate of That Guy.
Stunt Pilot Who Died While Making 1965 Version vs. CGI -- Late Pilot +infinity. This actually happened.
Other characters I don't care about vs. Other characters I still don't care about 39 years later -- Push. No, I take that back. Crazy Ernest Borgnine is slightly more irritating than Guy Who Is Irritating But Not Crazy, 2004. So, 2004 +.08.

I Prefer:
Ugh. To be perfectly honest, I'll probably never watch either of these again. The '65 version is a "classic," and if it shows up while I'm flipping through channels, I might tune in briefly, but neither of them gripped me in any specific way. If the '04 one shows up on TV, I'll watch it if it's the beginning, the end, or the bit where meeting with the nomads goes awry. If you could put Jimmy Stewart, and Richard Attenborough in 2004, I'd buy it and tell my friends to buy it. Otherwise, you have two underwhelming movies that are reasonably suspenseful. Oh, and the twist is the same in both of them, and I'm a huge fan of the twist, so that's good. But...

Final Letter Grades:
1965 - C
2004 - C+

CGI wins, with the exception of the actual flight of the Phoenix, which gets the nod in the '65 version, only because they built a crazy-looking plane, flew it, and it (unfortunately) killed a guy. You have to respect that.

This is the Jump.

Another Thursday, Another Meeting

Okay, new plans for this week's meeting. First, everyone who isn't my boss will now be named "Mike." Because the odds are with them. Second, this sucked way more than last week - I fear we may have caught lightning in a bottle with that delightful examination. Either way, I wrote stuff down. Here we go.

You know what to do to continue.


10:32 The 10:30 meeting hasn't started yet, but the "hilarity" has already begun:

Me: "Did you bring the stuff from last week?"
Mike 1: "Oh yeah, I have what you just handed out."
Me: "What? From last week?"
Mike 1: "This week."
Me: "So... your answer is no?"

10:38 Review of the activity log (which was what I was referencing in the last post), which nobody did, really. Apparently, according to D., the goal was "to show you how short the week actually is." Hm. Too short to read the e-mails asking to bring the completed charts, apparently.

10:40 The main phone rings, I have to go get it. I'm sure I'm missing gems. (I will be proven wrong.)

10:42 D. is telling us how great recruiting is going. Okay. How are these guys who are awesome being awesome? 6 zillion dollars in loans per second, rollin' in Bentleys and stuff... These guys sound great. I'm sure they're fiction. Anyway, they fear change. That's not why they're good, that's just what D. said. Apparently, this ubermench's computer desktop is a clusterfuck. If you want to be successful, scatter icons all over your desktop. It means you've committed to technology. Which, apparently is what you want to be doing. The highlight of this is when D. describes how you can't really do anything new with mail pieces unless you create "a pop-up mailer that grabs the guy in the face." He then proceeds to palm his head.

10:46 Have we heard of Barry Habib? Of course not. (Actual guy. Google him, if you want to.) Apparently, D. and Barry met when D. was awesome. That's what I learned from D.'s story. Also, I learned to be consistent with your marketing efforts. Actually, that's useful if you're marketing. Know your market, that kind ofzzzzzz...

10:48 Whoever's next door starts sawing through the wall. This is shocking, but no one seems to mind, but me. I think I'm going crazy.

10:50 Think of this when you're buying a house: "Realtors stand there and say 'Wow, I wish they'd, I don't know, die?'"

10:51 But, we have to get back to Barry Habib. FYI: you do not use just one of Barry Habib's names. Leaving out his first or last name is displeasing to Barry Habib. D. made a website in, like, 1991. Out of stray electrons and grass clippings. The Internet was a wild place in 1991, and HTML was scary. We did get this golden exchange:

Drago: "I didn't know HTML, so I drew up my website sort of 'what you see is what you get,'"
Mike 2: "WYSIWIG!"
Drago: (slightly thrown by this outburst) "Yeah... And bought a book..."

The rest of the conversation is about how he used a complicated system of pullies and GHB to tame and seduce the Early Interwebs; screw that Prodigy, that CompuServe, that AOL... He was going to be on the frontier! Or something. I think this is just supposed to make us think that he's a bad-ass. Unless he's suggesting that these guys get into something that's untamed, like beaming signals directly into people's heads. I have no idea.

10:54 Is "metadata" pronounced "met-ah," or "me-tah"? I think it's the first, but D.'s pretty convincingly uttering the second. Also, he just says "To make a long story... longer..." Heh. He involved Realtors in his Daring Website Scheme, and they loved it, because they were from the Stone Age. "Realtors weren't young, like they are now, you see." I'm calling bullshit on that statement.

10:55 D. asks approximately 2,000 questions that no one understands, and they're critical financial thinghies. I'm serious, I think he started speaking in tongues. He mentioned Greenspan, and then proceeded to lament people quoting him out of context or some shit. I'm really baffled. My notes literally say:

Do you know where to find:
-I have no fucking idea

Now D. tells a story about a client who was a CIA satellite guru who apparently made some EMP Death Ray. I am not making any of this up. We are off the rails.

10:59 What the HELL are they doing next door?

11:00 You have to pay money to subscribe to these things D.'s suggesting The Gang subscribe to. Therefore, I guarantee they won't do it.

11:02 Now he's turned into Lao Tzu: "Thought without action is but a daydream." Also, this gem, regarding Japanese culture:

"They'd eat a rice ball a day, take public transportation, and save all their money! They're more interested in thinking about why a leaf falls this way or that!"

Really. All right, then. Why did that come up? I couldn't tell you.

11:05 Ratios get broken down. The lesson I learn is that people are dipshits with their money. Granted, I already know this, because I'm a dipshit with my money, but apparently all too often, loan originators say "Screw it! Let's get them the highest loan amount they can afford, and then some! Let's make it so they're fiscally crippled in 36 months. That'll be fun." D. suggests considering the whole transaction with a clean heart, do a service, and don't put people into shit they can't afford. He's the Mother Theresa of lending.

11:07 I make a completely unintelligable note. It actually says "Have>10 bus ref sc / Have > 5 Strat" This is neither funny, nor helpful to me.

11:10 Do you make friends with your Realtors, or do you meet like professionals? Well, last week, he called them all slimebags, essentially, so I'm going to guess the answer is "like professionals." I am wrong. You do both! Hooray! But don't have too much of a social life with these guys. Okay. No problem.

11:12 Math.

11:14 Math ends. Exhortation begins. Get Partnerships. This begs the question: why do these people not have partnerships? I mean, it's hard to get Realtors or builders on board, but come on, you have to have met someone on accident... Your personalities aren't that crippling.

11:15 In 1992, things were different. Though, to hear D. tell it, steam power had just been invented, and we hadn't yet received the number zero from the Arabian Peninsula. I don't know, I was 11. But we might have had AOL, like, 1.0. I'm serious about that.

11:16 Do research? This suggestion is met with audible groans. Wow.

11:18 ANOTHER guy he talked to and wants to hire. Oh, my God, we'll never escape from here. He's really obsessed with the fact that he thought of what these guys are doing before they started doing it. I applaud sarcastically. No I don't, but I wish I did.

11:21 A review of how Google works. No, really, with rankings and whatnot. Plus, we espouse the values of an MLS search engine that captures your search. Which makes me think of some sweaty guy sitting in a basement, sifting through your house searches. Eegh.

11:25 D. used to send Realtors a rate sheet that he would mangle and fold before stuffing it into the envelope. He said it was "pre-crumpled for their convenience." That's funny.

11:26 We had a good Jan/Feb; our pricing was good, our volume needed to be better. If everybody does 50% more volume, everybody ends up happy. Except me - I will still fail to give a shit.

11:29 That's enough of patting ourselves on the back. D. wants us to know that he's back to being sold on CW. Whew, that's a "relief." Mike 3's phone rings, and - get this - HE DOESN'T ANSWER IT! It's a miracle.

11:30 D. wants us to succeed and grow, but we apparently have no mechanism to train people. Mike 1's sarcastic comment ("We want superstars?") is the impetus for a 2-minute digression on grooming people within a company. A story is shared about two people from another company that apparently would assault people. Charming.

11:31 Mike 2's phone rings, he leaves. The digression continues - D. doesn't want to do 24 hours of loans to be freaky-successful, like some guy from Oakbrook who does $1.2 BILLION dollars.

11:32 D. takes this opportunity to make fun of Mike 4's work ethic. He then proceeds to explain his swipe and why it's not only funny but accurate. Oh, and mean.

11:35 "Try to come into the office" speech. Do you really need a speech for that? Should you? Other pearls of wisdom: "Each failure is a tuition payment towards [something]," and "Stay on your toes: if you're on your heels, it's too easy to fall backwards."

11:37 Corporate movie. In order to show his support, D. exits the room. Snarky comments ensue, regarding the quality of the movie. They are not funny, so I didn't write them down. Mike 5's on his blackberry, Mike 3 is text-messaging. This is awesome.

11:40 D.'s back to lean against the door jamb.

11:42 D. leaves again. I begin to wonder how cold Lake Michigan is, and how long it would really be before I went into shock. I hope it would be immediately.

11:45 D. comes back, pulls a chair into the doorway and sits down. As a manager, it's all about body language. Mike 5's phone goes off, it's a text message, so he can respond without leaving.

11:46 I crack my neck. Sadly, I fail to become paralyzed.

11:50 The movie ends. Now we're going to share what we bring personally that makes us unique and sets us apart personally from other people. The first answer, from Mike 1, is "product knowledge." First of all, that had better not make you unique; that ought to be expected. Second of all, LIAR. LIAR LIAR LIAR. WHY DO YOU LIE? Unless you're saying that your astonishing lack of knowledge sets you apart.

11:52 Mike 2 returns. You missed the whole movie. To quote Robert Muldoon, "clever girl..."

11:55 Digression alert!

11:56 Mike 3's phone rings again. He doesn't answer it again. Amazing.

11:57 Wait. I zoned out for 15 seconds, and D.'s pretending to sell a space shuttle. What?

12:00 Yeah, I have no idea where we are. We do get little Sales 101 Comedy Hour, in order to tell us not to use canned stuff, and be yourself when you're talking to your client. I sigh deeply. D. doesn't look at our business as purely sales. He also doesn't look at the People's Republic of China as purely Communist.

12:02 I feel kind of bad about that joke, because the philosophy of "don't be an animal" is good and kind and sound. To wit:

• Educate people. Be cool.
• Have all the information that you might need.
• Provide "411 service" if necessary
• Do your homework

Apparently, knowing is more than half the battle, contrary to what G.I. Joe and Josh's Venn Diagrams would have you believe.

12:05 Mike 2 waves his hands fruitily, and quasi-whispers to me that he has to leave. I can't describe how weird this was for me. There's the aspect of it where I don't give a crap whether you stay or go, there's the wild, quasi-apologetic gesticulation, and there's the fact that he whispered it so as not to interrupt, but the whisper was more distracting and distinct than standing on the table and yodeling his message would've been. It's like he lost all fine motor control. It was amazing.

12:07 More awesome things D did when he was a loan consultant. I'm beginning to fade.

12:09 We're back on the script/schedule, which is bor-ring.

12:10 Another damn digression, this time, it's the "don't be perceived as a 'Salesman'" pitch. (P.S. Too late.)

12:15 We have sample exercises to do, of the "what do you do in this situation?" variety. However, we're not waiting for answers, we're just charging through. I'm encouraged, but apparently "too bored to even blog," according to my notes.

12:22 I regain consciousness when D. gets bored and starts skipping pages. He then moves into Q&A. One Q is A'd, everybody lapses back into silence, so D. launches back in, answers all the questions himself. His answers are better anyway.

12:25 He closes the binder... almost there... just a few more seconds...

12:26 "In summary," whee! D. recommends monitoring our activities, because it will be useful. No one will do this.

12:30 No one has questions, we're done!

This is the Jump.

British Man Renovates Apartment, Likely Fails to Get Laid

Technically, this was posted on Gizmodo on Tuesday, which means I'm a day late to the party. In blog-time, that means this happened in the Pleistocene Era, but I wanna talk about the guy who turned his apartment into a set from Star Trek: Voyager, anyway.

Click to continue:

My immediate reaction is "Ai yi yi," and I shake my head in embarassment for Mr. Alleyne. No, that's a filthy lie. My immediate reaction is "COOL!" because I am a sucker for this kind of stuff. Then I catch myself, and do the whole "Ai yi yi" thing. Because on the one hand, it is really cool: fancy lighting, voice controls, etc. On the other hand, it's um, Star Trek. He's wearing a uniform from the fictional future. On the other other hand, I may or may not have had Star Trek action figures and a poster of the Enterprise-D, and there may have been a Star Trek "How to Host a Murder" hosted by someone I know and am. On the other other other hand, I have adjusted socially to become a person who others don't run shrieking from. Mostly. On the other^{^4} hand, if I had the time, resources, and talent, I'd probably turn Chez Whipple into a U-Boat that you have to operate the Enigma Machine to get into. Which might irritate The Uncles, but as long as we're fantasizing...

Let's look a little deeper into this, shall we? For starters, the impetus for the project was when, "after his wife left in 1994, Alleyne needed a project to keep his hands and mind busy." No kidding? I get the impression this was quite the free-fall. You're probably going to have romantic liason issues with that whole scenario right there. "Hey, sweetheart, why don't we go back to your place, because mine's a construction mess right now - I haven't finished installing the LCARS system, and the transporter room assembly's in pieces on the kitchen counter. Wait! Where are you going?" Then again, he removed his bed because his sciatica was screwed up, and he has to sleep on the floor anyway. Do me a favor and imagine me throwing my hands up in the air, completely befuddled.

Again, I shouldn't make fun, because the idea of having your radiator and a/c make the "whoom whoom" sounds of a warp drive sounds really appealing to me. Which, is kind of embarassing, but COME ON. That's pretty damn awesome. I don't necessarily want to put on forehead ridges, or learn Elvish, or even engage in Ren Faire jousting and socializing - that's all really creepy - but a swoopy, touch-screeny apartment? Tell me you can't get on board with that. You're lying.

I don't want the outfit, but I do covet the surroundings.

Meanwhile, this project apparently bankrupted the guy as well. That's probably difficult to explain. It happens to a lot of people, and it's a very tragic thing, but rarely does it involve a conversation that goes: "Yes, so I transformed my bathroom into a holodeck, and added transporter controls with sound effects and sliders. No, I can't pay off my credit cards. Is that weird?" The good news is that it seems to have enabled him to parlay this into a business, 24th Century Design. The bad news is that the subsequent requests have given me more things to make fun of. Apparently, a lot of the requests for design assistance were also requesting that his assistance be free.

Mr. Alleyne: let me break something to you gently. I hate to paint with a broad brush (LIES. I love it.), but Internet Nerds rarely want to pay for anything. There's the whole concept of the Open Source Free Range Interwebs that you have to deal with to begin with, where the exchange of ideas is some sort of Wild West Barter System nonsense, and if you have a good idea, the World Deserves This. That's the first problem, it's a good thing sometimes (see: wikipedia), but it's a bad thing if you have goods and services that you don't simply want to give away. The second part of the problem is that SCIENCE FICTION NERDS DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR ANYTHING, BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO MONEY. They refuse to sell out to the Man, and get a cube jockey job, because they're more important than that. Eventually, they'll give in and work for IT somewhere and put a Seven of Nine poster up in their cube and have a Wedge Antilles bobblehead, but until that day, they want things for free, because it's their inalienable right as a Denizen of the Internet.

In other bizarre news, he wants to sell the place for $200,000, which is remarkable, inasmuch as you can't get a refrigerator box for $200,000 in Chicago. If you look at the real estate adds, and they say "recent renovations," and/or "new appliances," or something, and it's $200,000, any or all of the following things are probably true:

• It was built on the site of a crack house, which was built on the site of an Indian burial ground, where the occupants were murdered by poltergeists, except for the priest who was attempting the exorcism, who was killed in a drive-by shooting, and the gang members who were involved in the drive-by immediately crashed into a light pole and exploded, and now they all haunt the place. This would be a great sitcom.
• By "new appliances," they mean "new to the unit," not "recently manufactured." In fact, it may be Fisher-Price appliances.
• The unit is not big enough to swing a cat in. It's not big enough to swing a cat fetus in. It's not big enough to take a deep breath without flushing the toilet.
• "Recently renovated" means "indiscriminately perforated with a sledgehammer." Not "turned into a swoopy 24th century starship."
• "Indoor" plumbing.
• [noun]-infested. For [noun], we will accept: rat, vermin, tick, soccer hooligan, typhus, radon, jell-o, or fire. Write-in candidates are always welcome.
• There's also Nigerian royalty who needs a secure American bank account to temporarily hold his riches.

So, what have we learned? I have no idea. I'm still split on the coolness vs. socially-crippling nerdosity debate. Clearly, you have to respect the guy's skill and his dedication. And who among us wouldn't want touch-screen everything and voice commands? That's why everyone on Earth likes the Star Trek idea, even if they wouldn't be caught dead watching the show. I fervently believe this. I'm ready to admit that I'd like to live in this kind of place temporarily. However, there's no way I'm going to say that I'd play Dress Like Captain Picard. I think that's why this is so compelling: it slides enough into Weird Creepy Fetish Land where you're comfortable making fun of it, but not so much that you can't still say, "Yeah, but if it wasn't quite so creepy? I'd want that."

This is the Jump.

Blogger Ate My Post

Argh. Blogger ate a post, and I'm furious. I'm going to try to recreate it. And then write the AFL post that I've been batting around like a disinterested cat would. Crap.

This is the Jump.

I'm a "Liveblogger"!

I get bored out of my mind at our meetings, because really, I couldn't care if most of these people succeed or not. In fact, I would be happier if some of them failed so spectacularly that future scholars use them as an example of Early 21st Century Incompetence. I've left details out so as to not get fired or what-have-you. Also because the actual business is BOR-ing.

A little background: I had to take minutes for the meeting anyway, so I figured I'd do it live blog-style, in case it got interesting. We were required to have these "Growing Your Business" meetings lately, to get the team to, well, "Grow Their Business." This concept was met with revulsion by the team, and they complained about it lustily. Too bad. They're mostly jerks, and their opinion doesn't count.

So, to share in and enjoy the dysfunction that is my job, and to revel in the abject loathing that I feel for some of these subhuman misanthropes, please, click, jump, read my "LIVE"BLOG OF A SALES MEETING.

Dramatis Personae (names have been changed badly to OBSCURE NOTHING, but FOIL GOOGLE)
Dwag -- He's the boss of you.
Rudi -- He's a dink. Homeschools his kids. Have you ever noticed that the people who homeschool are often the least qualified to do so?
CW -- not really a Personae, it's where I work.
Maygan -- She's a girl. She works hard, but it doesn't count, because she's a girl. Apparently.
Castro -- Asshat. Gigantic Asshat.
Dayvid -- Not an asshat. This is not a priority for him. Which is awesome.
Jean -- He's slightly dim, extremely earnest. (Pronounce it like he's French.)

10:30 A.M. For today's rousing start, a representative from Sales Genie is visiting us to convince the gang to use his lead-generating/servicing/sorting/stalking service. I am immediately terrified, as he begins by gleefully informing us that they are the largest compiler of consumer information, and they "know how much people make, where they live, etc."

10:32 They were rated the worst commercial at the Super Bowl. I think this guy comes from Bizarro World, where worst is best and privacy is public.

10:40 Jesus, this is a lot of frightening information. He mentioned birth records, like people are going to market to infants. Here's your mail merge: "Congratulations <>, on vacating the womb! Tell your parents they need to buy a bigger house! And finance it with us!"

10:42 Thank God for the Federal Do Not Call list, and the fact that they legally have to obey it.

10:44 You can sort by hobbies and interests? Really? This sounds like something To Catch a Predator should look into. "John lists his interests as golf, bowling, classic cars, and... 12-year olds?"

10:45 Other information they have: number of credit cards, tax records, lake house, purchasing history... I'm going to either a) accumulate wealth in secret, or b) become a hermit. Or both. I'll buy a secret volcano lair, and my wealth will be invested in cruise missiles that can blow up telemarketers. Because that will be MY Do-Not-Call list. Also, it's ooky if the government compiles this sort of information if it's not for, say, taxation purposes, but if Big Brother is a private company, it's just freaky.

10:46 The hits just keep on coming: you can get the names of other people in the household so "if you call and reach somebody who just hangs up on you, you can try again." Did I mention To Catch A Predator already? I did?

10:50 "I work with 4 girls, and when they get bored, they look up single guys who make a lot of money."

10:51 You can't get cell phone numbers of VoIP numbers. Phew.

10:53 We get how much it costs. You're locked in for a year, and again, with the inappropriate glee: "People I signed up a couple weeks ago are pissed because they signed up for $400/month, and now it's $180/month for the first license, and then $100/month for each additional license." This, of course is followed up with the obligatory "Tom can sign up first," to which I respond, "Oh ha ha," in a tone which implies "You can get bent."

11:00 The stalker-software guy has left, and Dwag tells us that he's going to look into that so we don't get our asses sued if we use it. Boy, this sounds like a great product. I'll take 9.

11:02 We get to watch a video wherein the comedy is wholly unintentional. I know it's the "Wrong Way/Right Way" idea, but wow, it's bad.

11:04 Also, there are high school projects that are greenscreened better than this. They should've just had the one guy wear a green shirt, so it'd look like a floating head surrounded by video artifacts. It'd be great.

11:05 The woman in the video briefly has Reche Caldwell eyes.

11:08 Recap the previous training modules. Has anyone done anything, any progress to report? Success using the strategies? No? Nothing? Nobody's done anything? Are you breathing? It's early in the meeting, so the criticism will be very passive-aggressive.

11:10 And Rudi leaves to take a phone call.

11:12 Dwag actually makes a valid point about why you should be using the provided templates. They've done the legwork on this. The reaction could charitably be described as stoic. Fortunately, we'll get a little flowchart as to why this action plan is good. It seems to be written in cuneiform with arrows that go... places. Something bad happens in May, because there's a frowny-face there. I wish I had taken a picture.

11:14 Consistency! That's important to instill in these yahoos, because otherwise they'll get distracted by something shiny and forget until the lack of delicious MONEY brings them back around.

11:15 Welcome back, Rudi. Did you have a nice chat?

11:17 Dwag just nailed an excellent point about people coming in with nothing to do. This shouldn't happen, because it then causes me to have to do stupid work for them. Come in with a plan, and leave when you're done. Do some damn hell ass work, and don't ask me to do it for you. I don't want to talk to your customers. They're mostly troglodytes. Meanwhile these points are pretty much lost on most of these dead-eyed wankers.

11:20 Now, we're really cooking with gas, talking about how you can only control what you do, and if you're not satisfied with your pay or what-have-you, DO MORE, because you're paid on COMMISSION. It's not always everyone else's fault. I would like to cheer. But I do not.

11:23 "Are the majority of Realtors people we'd want to hang around with? No." Um, sorry, gang, but are the majority of you guys people that well-adjusted adults would like to hang around with? No, because you're mostly sleazebags with a wretched work ethic.

11:26 You don't slam your customer. Innnnteresting...

11:29 And, we have an inadvertent Michael Scott moment:

"I made it, Adrian!"

[Crickets]

"Rocky?" Pause. "Okay."

11:30 The good news is that CW's mandating these meetings, and Dwag actually knows these things. He might never have these conversations with these people if not for this. Not directly, anyway. It'd be this meandering treatise on sales... well, more meandering than it is, anyway.

11:35 How'd we get on to the "Don't cuss out jerks" lesson? It's enjoyable to play the Don't-Burn-Bridges Game, but I'm not sure how it's germane to the conversation. I think Dwag just wanted to tell a story about how some realtor was a jackass and Dwag won anyway. Whatevs.

11:38 In other news, I'm going to brain the peanut gallery with a crowbar. I just wish I could hear what they're saying. The sarcastic chuckles aren't that fun. You want to be sarcastic? Put it on your blog, buddy.

11:41 I remember that I need to do my taxes.

11:42 I give up clicking through the PowerPoint. Dwag's on autopilot and I'm lost.

11:43 I sneeze.

11:43:15 Twice.

11:45 I have no idea what to make of this. "I go into the house with the realtor and the customer," which is a weird procedure anyway... why do you have your mortgage guy with you when you're looking at a house, but apparently the seller has the following:

• A tiger chained up
• A pool table
• A submarine

I think he's implying that the seller's a weirdo and the realtor didn't... do enough research? I have no clue what the point could be. He moves on: "We're the highly-regulated industry there is." Hm. Could that be because it's:

• a) sketchier than any other industry AND
• b) deals in gigantic sacks of money, the mismanagement of which can ruin people for life AND
• c) is populated by people who want the biggest paycheck with the least amount of work (see a)?
• d) Maybe?

Wow. Two sets of bullet points. I am a hack.

11:47 "Bob, this is Maygan, I'm going to giggle my way on over there," is used as an example of a call you could make to a realtor. Because, see, Maygan's a girl and often giggles. And marginalizing women is how we roll around here.

11:50 We get a quick digression on to mental games. I don't know what this means, but it's in my notes.

11:51 It sounds like the art gallery that's under construction next door is threatening to break through the wall with explosives. I pray for the sweet release of death.

11:53 Drago breaks out the Richie Daley impersonation to imply that some sales move is lame-o.

11:55 Castro gets up and leaves to, I don't know, kill a puppy? Slap a ho? Douche? He just goes.

11:56 A rule to live by: "Don't make stuff up." Well, I'm down with that. This deserves its own post, as we go into a story about how once Dwag was going to buy a car from a guy who magically was into whatever Dwag liked to do. "You enjoy smack? SO DO I!"

11:58 Castro comes back. He unfortunately was not eaten by wolves. Just raised by them.

11:59 Dwag digresses to harp on taking a good app, a recommendation that will be wholly ignored by the assemblage because it's hard. It takes thought. "Fuck that noise," they say, with their body language.

12:02 Would you like to share your snarky comment with the rest of the class, Rudi? What's that? You take stuff off of an application? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? If they over-qualify, isn't that good? Oh, except you need to physically get more documentation. My heart breaks for you, watching your Sisyphean efforts to do your job correctly.

12:03 "If you're not doing your ratios manually, you're not doing your job." I wish we had more "If you're not doing [x], you're not doing your job," because I think we'd be here all day.

12:06 I take notice of a ton of fuzzies on my shirt. Die, static, die. (I'm just speaking German, don't worry.)

12:07 "...servicing your realtor." Hi-o.

12:10 Dwag's filtering out the cheese. Nice. Rudi takes another call. Less nice. These calls had better be from somebody important, like Jack Bauer. And I hope you get tortured in an hour or two.

12:12 Castro talks some shit to Dayvid sotto voce, Dayvid is not amused, but chuckles politely, because, why not?

12:13 Apparently, wanting to complete a transaction causes a "chemical response," which Dwag knows because he's a neurologist, apparently. Or an endocrinologist.

12:14 Rudi comes back. My hopes are unfulfilled.

12:15 Drago asks questions about the videos. No one answers. I threaten to show the videos again, to refresh their memories. People start answering questions. I'd be a great teacher.

12:18 "A woman comes out with a tiger on her back to sell fireplace rugs," Dwag says, in order to draw a distinction between Eastern European commercials and ours. Dwag's fired up about sales culture or something. It's a really weird digression to prove no point other than that he can do a funny accent ("You want the goat milk with your rug also?"). Plus, we get the Jessica Simpson "I don't know what it is, but I want it," impression. It's ludicrous.

12:22 Ice Mountain came with water, so I left the meeting.

12:25 Castro and Rudi chime in with suggestions for making things better. I ignore their suggestions, because they are dicks.

12:27 Dwag does his nervous "tell," as he explains how some managers resigned from the company recently. This is met with indistinct grumbling. I see.

12:29 We get our first invocation of "Joe's Mortgage and Crab Shack," which usually comes up 35 times by now.

12:30 We get to hear Dwag's #1 hit single "This Has Been Hard For All of Us (But Mostly Me)." Oh, by the way, Bruise walked out for some reason, a few minutes ago, and hasn't returned. (Note: He won't.)

12:33 That speech ends continues with a rousing statement of commitment. We also get the following:

"...that's not real professional" - Dwag

"Yeah" - Castro, chipping in from the rear of the room.

Shut up, Castro. You wouldn't know Professional if it tried you in The Hague.

12:36 In reference to some Profit/Loss woes we've been having, and the direct result to the Dwag: "Wanna know the minimum wage? Ask me."

Not. Funny. Even if we fail miserably, you'll be pushing six digits this year, big guy.

12:37 Shut up, Castro.

12:41 Where'd Rudi go?

12:42 Q&A time. Jean asks a question that makes no sense. He tries another tactic - tell it as a narrative. Still working out poorly. I guess a customer of his applied with him, then subsequently called the 800- number and applied again? And was directed to another consultant? Who was now servicing him (hi-o)? Why does this happen?

I'm going to guess that it's because you take the short bus to work, but that's just my hypothesis.

12:44 Apparently, we're going to get a list of customers from a defunct branch. I hope I get to disseminate it, because then jerks get nothing.

12:45 Whee! Now we're in the nailing-people-to-the-wall section of our meeting, when Dwag basically says "The solution to your problem is to take more applications," to everybody. That's fun. Meanwhile, Castro and Jean are participating in today's Pot/Kettle Theatre production of Death of a Salesman, vis a vis volume and consistency. Let me tell you, it's a scene.

12:47 We're done. Thank God.

This is the Jump.