Hey, Good For Me

How the hell did I pull "Chief Osceola" out of my ass? Just so you're aware, I looked it up to fact check it, and the only thing I did wrong was spell it with a K instead of a C. Redonkulous.

P.S. These theme predictions are hard. Thanks, Bon Jovi, for being our guest this week.

P.P.S. How do you do that "after the jump" stuff? I'm not so skilled at this blogging schtuff.

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Jon Bon Jovi Predicts College Football

Northwestern Wildcats (2-0) vs. #18 Arizona State Sun Devils (1-1)

Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, Wildcats and Sun Devils. You give defense a bad name. Woah, Brett Basanez and Sam Keller, you're loaded guns. And with the notable exception of Tyrell Sutton, there's nowhere to run. ASU, no one can save you, the damage will be done. 'Cats win, 38-35.

ASU 52, Northwestern 21. Oops. Defense given a bad name, indeed. Tyrell could've gotten more carries, though. Boo to that.

Michigan State Spartans (2-0) vs. #10 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (2-0)

Charlie Weis is a ride on a mystery train. To a place you've not been since the heydey of Lou Holtz. I, Jon Bon Jovi, believe. With every breath that I breathe. ND can turn a whisper to a scream; I believe, I believe. While I think Drew Stanton is like Tommy and Gina - won't back down, I think Brady Quinn is that, but more so. MSU may have won the last 4 times in South Bend, but this is the end. Irish win, 21-17.

MSU 44, Notre Dame 41. Again, Mr. Bon Jovi is half right. Nobody did much backing down. But you have to put this game away. And planting the MSU flag in the ND turf? Not so classy.

#13 Miami Hurricanes (0-1) vs. #20 Clemson Tigers (2-0)

Miami's down on their luck. It's tough. So tough. Clemson dreams of running away with this one, and I, Bon Jovi, say, "Baby, it's okay." Miami's got their talent in hock, if you will. They're holding in what they used to make it talk - mental toughness. So tough, it's tough. They've got to hold on to what they've got. But it doesn't make a difference, because Clemson came into the Orange Bowl last year and won, and Miami took 94 million sacks last week. Tigers win, 27-20.

Miami 36, Clemson 30. In overtime, no less. Jon, you're having a tough week, buddy. Nice call on the sacks (5) by Clemson.

#5 Tennesee Volunteers (1-0) vs. #6 Florida Gators (2-0)

Let's face it. Even though I'm Jon Bon Jovi, master of the song-story, I can't make a song more infectious than Rocky Top. So, I'm going to get that stuck in your head right now. "Rocky Top, you'll always be/home sweet home to me/Good ol' Rocky Top/Rocky Top, Tennessee/Rocky Top, Tennessee." Seriously, though Chris Leak + Urban Meyer = One wild, one wild, one wild, one wild night. And day. The offense is tailored to his strengths, is what I mean. Gators win, 42-24.

Florida 16, Tennesse 7. Congratulations Jon, you got one. None of the facts were accurate besides that one, though.

#8 Florida State Seminoles (2-0) vs. #17 Boston College Eagles (2-0)

Hey, welcome, welcome to the good times, Boston College. You're going to get killed. I don't care if you're a cowboy, Chief Osceola will ride on his non-steel horse, and stab you with a flaming spear. I, Bon Jovi, left my lyrics behind, because I like the flaming spear thing. Seminoles win, 35-14.

FSU 28, BC 17. Pretty close on the score, called the win. Hooray.

Jon Bon Jovi: (2-3)
Season: (7-8)

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I Am a Whore For Pyrex

No, seriously. This is another reason I love weddings. Not only for the nice stuff about commitment and love, etc. That I like. Not only for the fact that it gives everybody an excuse to get dressed up and look good. That I also like. Not only for the potential for people to get tore up and subsequently make with the comedy. That of course I like. But mostly because it gives me the ability to give people some sturdy-ass cookware.

Seriously. When people don't put it on their registry, I go out and hunt it down and send it to them, unbidden. Unbidden, of course, except for the voices in my head.

Clearly, this indicates that there's something wrong with me, but I really get charged up over this stuff, and I'm sure it makes me look uncharacteristically dull when people open a gift box from me and get measuring bowls but by God, this is necessary! And you'll thank me in 15 years when your pubescent kid knocks it off the counter with his/her gangly arms and poor depth perception and it just lands. Like a cat. A cat that you can measure out Bisquick in. And you have to get all the sizes. Because while a pint measuring cup is delightful for figuring out if you have enough milk for your bananna bread, or what-have-you, what if you have to make waffles for 15? What THEN, HOTSHOT?

Oh, yes, I've done my civic duty.

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Noooooo!

I didn't get White Sox Playoff tickets. I logged on at noon, when they were released! What does it take?

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Arachnida!

I have spiders in my car. Well, at least a spider. I know this because I discovered the beginnings of a web yesterday morning. And I am really ooked out. I don't want the Viscount to become home to spiders. And how the hell'd they end up in my car? What am I supposed to do? Ergh. I hope they take up residence in the engine or something. What if there's a seed pod in my air conditioner? When I turn on the fan one day, will they come shooting out of the vents and trap me in a web, and force me to drive to their spidery compound based out of an abandoned warehouse? Or what?

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Addendum!

I may be a little late to the "John Kruk is a funny looking analyst" party, but screw you. I thought of it, and I wanted to mention it.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You...

John Kruk.

I happened to catch a little of ESPN News yesterday afternoon, and he looks like someone stuffed a bear into a suit, propped it up on a stool, and injected it with pure tryptophan. I kept expecting him to get distracted during commentary about the fact that Bernie Williams for an instant looked like he didn't have to go to Sportmart and buy some tennis balls for his walker after the game, and reach under the desk to grab a fish.

Rar, John. Rar.

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Dammit, Television!

Watching the commercials (why? I don't know, either), during football today, and this occurs to me:

Dear The War at Home,

What was your thought process? "I know, having an irritating protagonist break the fourth wall worked so well for Titus, that we'll give it another go." And before you write back to me with your Bernie Mac Show defense, I don't care. You've reminded me first of Titus. So suck on that.

Dicks,
Tom

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I Predict College Football

The original plan was to have a Barbary Pirate Predict College Football, but it was too hard. So this week, no guest, just me.

Northern Illinois Huskies (0-1) vs. Northwestern Wildcats (1-0)

I'm going to stick with the "If they don't turn the ball over, they're in good shape." I also don't think that NIU has any sort of secondary. Spread the field boys, spread the field. That's my thought, anyway. 'Cats win, 42-21.

Northwestern 38, NIU 37. NU wins the turnover battle 2-1, but won more due to the fact that NIU was terrified to go into overtime against the Wildcats. And screwed up the 2-point conversion thanks to ineptitude, rather than any lack of skill on Northwestern's part. Which, well, great. Ugh.

#2 Texas Longhorns (1-0) vs. (the) #4 Ohio State Buckeyes (1-0)

I'm going to argue that the 'Shoe is going to be far too much for Texas to overcome. Not a snoozer, but I feel pretty good about tOSU. Buckeyes win, 17-10.

Texas 25, OSU 22. I'm going to go with "I was almost right." OSU should've pulled it out. They're still a good time, but Vince Young was too much to overcome. Not the 'Shoe. Oopsen.


#20 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (1-0) vs. #3 Michigan Wolverines (1-0)

I'd like to say that Notre Dame will win, and I'd be thrilled if that were the case. I am going to go with it being a shootout, but... at Michigan? And Michigan's not that overrated, especially with the emotion that comes with a game v. Notre Dame. And yet, Charlie Weis has to have these kids believing that they can run with anybody... Crap. I don't like it, but Wolverines win 45-41.

Notre Dame 17, Michigan 10. Hooray! I was wrong! And could I be more wrong on the score? A shootout? Idiot. Michigan isn't that overrated. The question is, how long can ND keep this up? And is Michigan this vulnerable?

South Carolina Gamecocks (1-0) vs. #8 Georgia Bulldogs (1-0)

This is my upset special. Why? I don't have a good reason, but I don't think Georgia is ever as good as they're supposed to be, and I like Spurrier (well, no, I don't, but I think he's an excellent college coach), and I don't give two craps if Georgia is at home or on Mars. I'll pick against Georgia until they lose. I don't know why I have such vitriol against Georgia, but I do. Gamecocks win, 24-17.

Georgia 17, South Carolina 15. Damn, I was close... Georgia did score 17 points, so good for me. And SC scared Georgia, so that's good, isn't it?

#5 Louisiana State Tigers (0-0) vs. #15 Arizona State Sun Devils (1-0)

Everybody in the Upset Special thing is picking ASU. I didn't chose it, because I'd feel like an asshole picking against LSU, who had to move this game from Baton Rouge to Tempe. ASU put up semi-gaudy numbers last week, but against Temple. I still can't pick against LSU. If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong. Grrr. I picked all hard picks this week. Tigers win, 28-21.

LSU 35, Arizona State 31. All right, thank God I picked one right. Too much emotion, ASU couldn't put them away. That's something I figured on. Good job.

For the week: 2-3. Not so good. Perhaps I should get the Hulk back.

For the season: 5-5.

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The Hulk Predicts College Football

Ohio Bobcats vs. Northwestern Wildcats:

'Cats SMASH! Must... create more giveaways... than takeaways... raaaaaaagh! 42-28.

Northwestern 38, Ohio 14. Not bad, Hulk. No one won the turnover battle, 3-3.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. #23 Pittsburgh Panthers:

Irish SMASH! Hulk think Hulk could out-coach Dave Wannstedt. Hulk like waking up echoes and shaking down thunder. 35-21.

Notre Dame 42, Pittsburgh 21. Darn tootin', Hulk. Wanny starts his college career inauspiciously.

Northern Illinois Huskies vs. #4 Michigan Wolverines:

Wolverines SMASH! Hopefully not making NIU angry for next week. Because you wouldn't like them when they're angry... 49-7.

Michigan 33, NIU 17. Way to go out on a limb, there, Hulk. Let's predict some games that'll be close.

#18 Boise St. Broncos vs. #13 Georgia Bulldogs:

Broncos SMASH! Hulk think Georgia overrated. Hulk prefer blue turf. Green turf mock Hulk! 28-24.

Georgia 48, Boise St. 13. Don't get mad, Hulk, but it would appear that Boise State was the overrated team. Yikes.

#9 Miami Hurricanes vs. #14 Florida State Seminoles

Hurricanes SMASH! Hulk make joke too soon? Seminoles, like Hulk, live cursed lives. 21-20.

Florida State 10, Miami 3. Yes Hulk, the Hurricanes joke was too soon. Additionally, Hulk was going to make a comment about FSU missing another field goal to win, which would've been remarkably prescient, if referencing the wrong team.

Sad music plays, Hulk walks away from keyboard.

All in all, not a bad week for the Hulk, going 3-2 on his predictions. Join us on Friday for our next guest predictor.

This is the Jump.