Everything Old Is New Again: (The) Flight of The Phoenix

The Greeks said that there were only a certain number of dramatic plots that existed, and everything is a variation on those. Occasionally, the movies say "screw it," and just re-make an old movie. I like old movies, I like new movies, I like movies. Are the originals always superior? Are the remakes simply vanity projects and lazy filmmaking? Or is it possible that you can improve on what's already out there? Oh, P.S., I'm spoiling these movies, so if you want to be surprised, go somewhere else.

The Flight of the Phoenix (1965) vs. Flight of the Phoenix (2004)

Plot synopsis:

Crusty old-ish pilot (Jimmy Stewart/Dennis Quaid) is hired to fly a bunch of oil company people out of some craphole desert back to civilization. This goes exactly as planned, except for the fact that they crash in the desert (Sahara/Gobi), and are royally screwed. Roughly half the crew bites it, one way or the other, and a vaguely-creepy quasi-albino guy (Hardy Kruger/Giovanni Ribisi doing a Hardy Kruger impersonation) says "Hey, I can make a new plane from this old plane, because my company builds planes!" So, they all get to work building a impromptu plane, while fighting the desert and each other, and we all learn something about cooperation and weirdos in the desert.

Advantage, 1965:

Congratulations, Ben Nye: your work as makeup supervisor was exemplary in that I was completely repulsed by the open sores you created on Richard Attenborough and co., as well as the way you managed to make Jimmy Stewart look like hell on toast. Unless 1965 was just the year Jimmy decided to get craggy and jowly and ill-looking. But those sun-induced pustules? Truly unpleasant. Additionally, we'll give you points for involving Richard Attenborough and Jimmy Stewart, because they're quite good, making a relatively weak script look okay. Especially Sir Richard losing his shit towards the end and just cackling like a maniac. Also, way to not be afraid of starting your title with an article, there, The Flight of the Phoenix. Creepy Quasi-Albino Guy was German, which made everyone kind of nervous. Oh, the Brits and the Germans, and the Americans, working together in a post-war world, what will they think of next? The final take-off scene is actually preferable in this one, because they flew a real plane, and that's freaky-cool. But flaky skin and whatnot... eeegh.... That's really the champion, here.

Advantage, 2004:

90% of the supporting cast was more enjoyable in the future. If nothing else, we got Hugh Laurie as Corporate Douchebag, where he was smarmy to everyone and was pretty useful, unlike our 1965 CD, who just wandered around and looked sad the whole time. The rest of them may have been one-and-a-half-dimensional ethnic stereotypes (Diminutive Mexican Cook! Angry African-American With Something to Prove! Woman Also With Something to Prove! Middle Eastern Philosopher Guy!), but at least they were ethnic. Neither Cockney nor French counts, nor does having an ethnic-type-person in there for the first 3 minutes of the movie and then whacking them. (Bouzuki-playing Dead Greek Guy, and Hispanic Dead Guy, I'm looking at you.) For no discernable reason, co-pilot and pilot go through their pre-flight checklist as Bill Cosby and Bill Clinton, which was funny, but totally baffling. Jimmy and Richard don't imitate anyone.

You suck:
-Ernest Borgnine (1965). What are you doing in this movie? You're playing a crazy guy with no purpose! What the hell?
-Jury-rigged sexual tension (2004). Why does the one lady have to have the hots for the pilot? There's no real reason for it.
-Dennis Quaid's penchant for phoning scenes in (2004). He kind of gives up when he doesn't like the dialogue he's given. Suck it up, Dennis. You're way better, when you're having more fun.
-Music (1965). So, you're telling me you have a transistor radio that picks up Italian love songs, in the middle of the desert? Why even have the love theme? Don't get too smug, 2004, you included "Hey Ya."
-Denoument (1965). Wacky music + ending up in some random oasis = zzzz. Once they take off, I trust that they're going to be okay.

Better Crash Sequence:

This gets its own line because the 2004 crash sequence ruled. I know, I know, we live in a CGI age, where we can smash fake planes through sand dunes and really go apeshit with how crazy crashing in the desert is, but too bad for you, 1965! Your model airplane smooshing into a sandbox is not nearly as fun as some guy falling out of the back of the plane and sending up a little sand-plume.

Character Comparison:
Jimmy Stewart v. Dennis Quaid -- Stewart +10. Workmanlike efforts by both parties, but Dennis Quaid gives up too frequently.
Richard Attenborough vs. Tyrese Gibson -- Attenborough +50. Sorry, Tyrese, but you've got nothing on Sir Richard for pathos.
Hardy Kruger vs. Giovanni Ribisi -- Kruger +.1 Giovanni does a hell of a job being a weirdo, but he's kind of just robbing Hardy. Down to the hairdo and spectacles.
Hugh Laurie vs. Whoever That Guy Was -- Laurie +199. Sorry, Estate of That Guy.
Stunt Pilot Who Died While Making 1965 Version vs. CGI -- Late Pilot +infinity. This actually happened.
Other characters I don't care about vs. Other characters I still don't care about 39 years later -- Push. No, I take that back. Crazy Ernest Borgnine is slightly more irritating than Guy Who Is Irritating But Not Crazy, 2004. So, 2004 +.08.

I Prefer:
Ugh. To be perfectly honest, I'll probably never watch either of these again. The '65 version is a "classic," and if it shows up while I'm flipping through channels, I might tune in briefly, but neither of them gripped me in any specific way. If the '04 one shows up on TV, I'll watch it if it's the beginning, the end, or the bit where meeting with the nomads goes awry. If you could put Jimmy Stewart, and Richard Attenborough in 2004, I'd buy it and tell my friends to buy it. Otherwise, you have two underwhelming movies that are reasonably suspenseful. Oh, and the twist is the same in both of them, and I'm a huge fan of the twist, so that's good. But...

Final Letter Grades:
1965 - C
2004 - C+

CGI wins, with the exception of the actual flight of the Phoenix, which gets the nod in the '65 version, only because they built a crazy-looking plane, flew it, and it (unfortunately) killed a guy. You have to respect that.