iPod Wins Again!

Also, a few days ago, the following songs came up in order on my iPod, much to my delight:

Hey Baby, Northwestern University "Wildcat" Marching Band
The Hands That Built America, U2
Elephant Love Medley, Moulin Rouge Soundtrack
Paint it Black, Rolling Stones
Here It Goes Again, OK Go
I, Don Quixote, Man of La Mancha
Find Your Grail, Monty Python's Spamalot
Smoke, Ben Folds Five
Crimson + Gold, Carla Werner
The Long Day is Over, Norah Jones
One Angry Dwarf and 100 Solemn Faces, Ben Folds
The Pony Soldiers, NFL Films
Look Down, Les Miserables
Desire, U2
Heavy, Collective Soul
Tusk, Fleetwood Mac

At the time, this seemed very portentous. Now, I can't remember the connections. In any event, it's rare that I get through 16 songs on shuffle without skipping through stuff. I think the crossword/sudoku probably helped with that, along with me occasionally going "Hm, this really encapsulates how I feel right now," and then not paying attention again. As evidenced by the fact that I felt like "The Long Day is Over," "One Angry Dwarf..." and then the NFL. So, perhaps that theory's bunk. Also interesting is that I have a surprising amount of songs from musicals (we'll count Moulin Rouge in that category) on this list.

So, there's that. Good for you, iPod.

This is the Jump.

I Was On Vacation, I'm Back, I'm Avoiding Work Already

I was waiting for my bags in the Midway Airport baggage claim yesterday, and I was interrupted from my iPod-based reverie by a crazy-eyed, but professionally-dressed woman who asked me how much the baggage carts were, while actually pointing at the price printed on the baggage cart dispenser. It made my answer ($3) a breeze, but was the last tumbler in the mental lock, and I knew I needed to write down what I'd do if I ran an Airline.



Simply put, I'd have a test. And if you passed this test, you'd get a card, or a key, or a password to allow you to join me on my airline of joy and peace, flying to specially-equipped airports. If you want to stratify, we'll add first class, so rich people can still show off. The test will be comprised of the following factors:

• Intelligence: Can you follow somewhat complex directions? Can you manipulate objects in three dimensions without smacking people around, or taking an inordinate amount of time? Failing that, can you ask for help in a competent and polite manner?


• Conversation: Can you avoid talking endlessly about stupid shit? Can you take a hint and leave your seatmate alone if they don't want to talk about your cats, or oil, or the government, or golf, or sports, or big business, or your goiter? If you are talking, can you do it in a tone of voice that doesn't involve everyone in the two rows behind you?


• Odor.


• This one was going to be Attractiveness, but that's really not fair. No, I take it back; that's completely fair. We'll leave it in. I want to fly with people who aren't freaky-looking. Take that, political correctness!


• Creepiness. Can you avoid being freaky to the flight attendants? And other patrons? Do you make people nervous? We'll have our crack team of adjudicators follow you around surreptitiously for a week to see how strangers react around you. That's the plan for the Conversation category, as well.

So, yeah, this isn't fair or equitable, but it's my airline, and I'll be discriminatory if I want to. And perhaps we'll weight it so if you smell somewhat weird, but aren't creepy, we'll let you on board. If you pass the test, and then act like an asshat on the plane, refusing to read signs, or trying to fit a queen-sized mattress in the overhead bin, or something like that, the plane will land immediately, put you off on the tarmac, take off again, and serve free drinks to the remaining passengers to make up for you.

The guys behind me talking loudly about how we sold F-16s to Israel and really really simplified foreign policy for three hours? They'll be ejected in mid-air. The people who wouldn't turn off their phones on the way out of Vegas? Placed in the cargo hold, and their phones smashed with hammers. Incapable of figuring out where to go to claim their baggage and what to do when they get there, without running over 35 random people in the process? Fed to wolves.

Additionally, if a member of my staff happens to be walking past a Southwest gate and hears someone in line complaining about their A/B/C system of boarding, they are empowered to strike that passenger with an open hand, at their discretion. It's not like they keep that a secret, idiots. You chose to fly Southwest, and part of the reason that it's cheap is that you deal with being treated like cattle for a few minutes.

This is the Jump.

11 Votes Up...

Well, I made it to Round 2, but got moved to the Campbell Conference bracket. That's okay - it's where I wanted to be in the first place. It reminds me of when hockey was a sport in this town and how the old Chicago Stadium would sound like it was going to fall down during Wayne Messmer's rendition of the National Anthem, or after a Blackhawks goal, or better, a fight. How we complained that the Bulls got to use the sound system, but the 'Hawks couldn't, so they had to use the organ. Of course, in the United Center, the organ's tied into the sound system. It's not a huge pipe organ winding its way through the rafters of an old barn anymore. Well, there it is.

Anyhoo, vote for me, if you're one of the three people who read my blog.

This is the Jump.

I'm Not Sure How To Say This...

But the It's Still Football gang (just me and Joe, really) entered ourselves in the Ladies... "Hot Blogger Bracket." I got a 5-seed, which is ridiculously flattering, and Joe got a 13-seed, which is a little low, I feel. In any event, my "worthy" first round opponent is begging for votes, so I must also beg for votes now.

To answer your questions, yes, we blog about Arena Football. We thought making fun of Professional Bonehead Bowl (Now With Sproingy Nets!) would be a good time, and it is. But now we know to much about Arena Football, and sadly, we can't un-know it.

Also, yes. I entered myself in an online popularity contest against strangers. Le sigh.

Vote for me!

Also vote for Joe!

This is the Jump.