Another Thursday, Another Meeting

Okay, new plans for this week's meeting. First, everyone who isn't my boss will now be named "Mike." Because the odds are with them. Second, this sucked way more than last week - I fear we may have caught lightning in a bottle with that delightful examination. Either way, I wrote stuff down. Here we go.

You know what to do to continue.


10:32 The 10:30 meeting hasn't started yet, but the "hilarity" has already begun:

Me: "Did you bring the stuff from last week?"
Mike 1: "Oh yeah, I have what you just handed out."
Me: "What? From last week?"
Mike 1: "This week."
Me: "So... your answer is no?"

10:38 Review of the activity log (which was what I was referencing in the last post), which nobody did, really. Apparently, according to D., the goal was "to show you how short the week actually is." Hm. Too short to read the e-mails asking to bring the completed charts, apparently.

10:40 The main phone rings, I have to go get it. I'm sure I'm missing gems. (I will be proven wrong.)

10:42 D. is telling us how great recruiting is going. Okay. How are these guys who are awesome being awesome? 6 zillion dollars in loans per second, rollin' in Bentleys and stuff... These guys sound great. I'm sure they're fiction. Anyway, they fear change. That's not why they're good, that's just what D. said. Apparently, this ubermench's computer desktop is a clusterfuck. If you want to be successful, scatter icons all over your desktop. It means you've committed to technology. Which, apparently is what you want to be doing. The highlight of this is when D. describes how you can't really do anything new with mail pieces unless you create "a pop-up mailer that grabs the guy in the face." He then proceeds to palm his head.

10:46 Have we heard of Barry Habib? Of course not. (Actual guy. Google him, if you want to.) Apparently, D. and Barry met when D. was awesome. That's what I learned from D.'s story. Also, I learned to be consistent with your marketing efforts. Actually, that's useful if you're marketing. Know your market, that kind ofzzzzzz...

10:48 Whoever's next door starts sawing through the wall. This is shocking, but no one seems to mind, but me. I think I'm going crazy.

10:50 Think of this when you're buying a house: "Realtors stand there and say 'Wow, I wish they'd, I don't know, die?'"

10:51 But, we have to get back to Barry Habib. FYI: you do not use just one of Barry Habib's names. Leaving out his first or last name is displeasing to Barry Habib. D. made a website in, like, 1991. Out of stray electrons and grass clippings. The Internet was a wild place in 1991, and HTML was scary. We did get this golden exchange:

Drago: "I didn't know HTML, so I drew up my website sort of 'what you see is what you get,'"
Mike 2: "WYSIWIG!"
Drago: (slightly thrown by this outburst) "Yeah... And bought a book..."

The rest of the conversation is about how he used a complicated system of pullies and GHB to tame and seduce the Early Interwebs; screw that Prodigy, that CompuServe, that AOL... He was going to be on the frontier! Or something. I think this is just supposed to make us think that he's a bad-ass. Unless he's suggesting that these guys get into something that's untamed, like beaming signals directly into people's heads. I have no idea.

10:54 Is "metadata" pronounced "met-ah," or "me-tah"? I think it's the first, but D.'s pretty convincingly uttering the second. Also, he just says "To make a long story... longer..." Heh. He involved Realtors in his Daring Website Scheme, and they loved it, because they were from the Stone Age. "Realtors weren't young, like they are now, you see." I'm calling bullshit on that statement.

10:55 D. asks approximately 2,000 questions that no one understands, and they're critical financial thinghies. I'm serious, I think he started speaking in tongues. He mentioned Greenspan, and then proceeded to lament people quoting him out of context or some shit. I'm really baffled. My notes literally say:

Do you know where to find:
-I have no fucking idea

Now D. tells a story about a client who was a CIA satellite guru who apparently made some EMP Death Ray. I am not making any of this up. We are off the rails.

10:59 What the HELL are they doing next door?

11:00 You have to pay money to subscribe to these things D.'s suggesting The Gang subscribe to. Therefore, I guarantee they won't do it.

11:02 Now he's turned into Lao Tzu: "Thought without action is but a daydream." Also, this gem, regarding Japanese culture:

"They'd eat a rice ball a day, take public transportation, and save all their money! They're more interested in thinking about why a leaf falls this way or that!"

Really. All right, then. Why did that come up? I couldn't tell you.

11:05 Ratios get broken down. The lesson I learn is that people are dipshits with their money. Granted, I already know this, because I'm a dipshit with my money, but apparently all too often, loan originators say "Screw it! Let's get them the highest loan amount they can afford, and then some! Let's make it so they're fiscally crippled in 36 months. That'll be fun." D. suggests considering the whole transaction with a clean heart, do a service, and don't put people into shit they can't afford. He's the Mother Theresa of lending.

11:07 I make a completely unintelligable note. It actually says "Have>10 bus ref sc / Have > 5 Strat" This is neither funny, nor helpful to me.

11:10 Do you make friends with your Realtors, or do you meet like professionals? Well, last week, he called them all slimebags, essentially, so I'm going to guess the answer is "like professionals." I am wrong. You do both! Hooray! But don't have too much of a social life with these guys. Okay. No problem.

11:12 Math.

11:14 Math ends. Exhortation begins. Get Partnerships. This begs the question: why do these people not have partnerships? I mean, it's hard to get Realtors or builders on board, but come on, you have to have met someone on accident... Your personalities aren't that crippling.

11:15 In 1992, things were different. Though, to hear D. tell it, steam power had just been invented, and we hadn't yet received the number zero from the Arabian Peninsula. I don't know, I was 11. But we might have had AOL, like, 1.0. I'm serious about that.

11:16 Do research? This suggestion is met with audible groans. Wow.

11:18 ANOTHER guy he talked to and wants to hire. Oh, my God, we'll never escape from here. He's really obsessed with the fact that he thought of what these guys are doing before they started doing it. I applaud sarcastically. No I don't, but I wish I did.

11:21 A review of how Google works. No, really, with rankings and whatnot. Plus, we espouse the values of an MLS search engine that captures your search. Which makes me think of some sweaty guy sitting in a basement, sifting through your house searches. Eegh.

11:25 D. used to send Realtors a rate sheet that he would mangle and fold before stuffing it into the envelope. He said it was "pre-crumpled for their convenience." That's funny.

11:26 We had a good Jan/Feb; our pricing was good, our volume needed to be better. If everybody does 50% more volume, everybody ends up happy. Except me - I will still fail to give a shit.

11:29 That's enough of patting ourselves on the back. D. wants us to know that he's back to being sold on CW. Whew, that's a "relief." Mike 3's phone rings, and - get this - HE DOESN'T ANSWER IT! It's a miracle.

11:30 D. wants us to succeed and grow, but we apparently have no mechanism to train people. Mike 1's sarcastic comment ("We want superstars?") is the impetus for a 2-minute digression on grooming people within a company. A story is shared about two people from another company that apparently would assault people. Charming.

11:31 Mike 2's phone rings, he leaves. The digression continues - D. doesn't want to do 24 hours of loans to be freaky-successful, like some guy from Oakbrook who does $1.2 BILLION dollars.

11:32 D. takes this opportunity to make fun of Mike 4's work ethic. He then proceeds to explain his swipe and why it's not only funny but accurate. Oh, and mean.

11:35 "Try to come into the office" speech. Do you really need a speech for that? Should you? Other pearls of wisdom: "Each failure is a tuition payment towards [something]," and "Stay on your toes: if you're on your heels, it's too easy to fall backwards."

11:37 Corporate movie. In order to show his support, D. exits the room. Snarky comments ensue, regarding the quality of the movie. They are not funny, so I didn't write them down. Mike 5's on his blackberry, Mike 3 is text-messaging. This is awesome.

11:40 D.'s back to lean against the door jamb.

11:42 D. leaves again. I begin to wonder how cold Lake Michigan is, and how long it would really be before I went into shock. I hope it would be immediately.

11:45 D. comes back, pulls a chair into the doorway and sits down. As a manager, it's all about body language. Mike 5's phone goes off, it's a text message, so he can respond without leaving.

11:46 I crack my neck. Sadly, I fail to become paralyzed.

11:50 The movie ends. Now we're going to share what we bring personally that makes us unique and sets us apart personally from other people. The first answer, from Mike 1, is "product knowledge." First of all, that had better not make you unique; that ought to be expected. Second of all, LIAR. LIAR LIAR LIAR. WHY DO YOU LIE? Unless you're saying that your astonishing lack of knowledge sets you apart.

11:52 Mike 2 returns. You missed the whole movie. To quote Robert Muldoon, "clever girl..."

11:55 Digression alert!

11:56 Mike 3's phone rings again. He doesn't answer it again. Amazing.

11:57 Wait. I zoned out for 15 seconds, and D.'s pretending to sell a space shuttle. What?

12:00 Yeah, I have no idea where we are. We do get little Sales 101 Comedy Hour, in order to tell us not to use canned stuff, and be yourself when you're talking to your client. I sigh deeply. D. doesn't look at our business as purely sales. He also doesn't look at the People's Republic of China as purely Communist.

12:02 I feel kind of bad about that joke, because the philosophy of "don't be an animal" is good and kind and sound. To wit:

• Educate people. Be cool.
• Have all the information that you might need.
• Provide "411 service" if necessary
• Do your homework

Apparently, knowing is more than half the battle, contrary to what G.I. Joe and Josh's Venn Diagrams would have you believe.

12:05 Mike 2 waves his hands fruitily, and quasi-whispers to me that he has to leave. I can't describe how weird this was for me. There's the aspect of it where I don't give a crap whether you stay or go, there's the wild, quasi-apologetic gesticulation, and there's the fact that he whispered it so as not to interrupt, but the whisper was more distracting and distinct than standing on the table and yodeling his message would've been. It's like he lost all fine motor control. It was amazing.

12:07 More awesome things D did when he was a loan consultant. I'm beginning to fade.

12:09 We're back on the script/schedule, which is bor-ring.

12:10 Another damn digression, this time, it's the "don't be perceived as a 'Salesman'" pitch. (P.S. Too late.)

12:15 We have sample exercises to do, of the "what do you do in this situation?" variety. However, we're not waiting for answers, we're just charging through. I'm encouraged, but apparently "too bored to even blog," according to my notes.

12:22 I regain consciousness when D. gets bored and starts skipping pages. He then moves into Q&A. One Q is A'd, everybody lapses back into silence, so D. launches back in, answers all the questions himself. His answers are better anyway.

12:25 He closes the binder... almost there... just a few more seconds...

12:26 "In summary," whee! D. recommends monitoring our activities, because it will be useful. No one will do this.

12:30 No one has questions, we're done!

This is the Jump.

I'm a "Liveblogger"!

I get bored out of my mind at our meetings, because really, I couldn't care if most of these people succeed or not. In fact, I would be happier if some of them failed so spectacularly that future scholars use them as an example of Early 21st Century Incompetence. I've left details out so as to not get fired or what-have-you. Also because the actual business is BOR-ing.

A little background: I had to take minutes for the meeting anyway, so I figured I'd do it live blog-style, in case it got interesting. We were required to have these "Growing Your Business" meetings lately, to get the team to, well, "Grow Their Business." This concept was met with revulsion by the team, and they complained about it lustily. Too bad. They're mostly jerks, and their opinion doesn't count.

So, to share in and enjoy the dysfunction that is my job, and to revel in the abject loathing that I feel for some of these subhuman misanthropes, please, click, jump, read my "LIVE"BLOG OF A SALES MEETING.

Dramatis Personae (names have been changed badly to OBSCURE NOTHING, but FOIL GOOGLE)
Dwag -- He's the boss of you.
Rudi -- He's a dink. Homeschools his kids. Have you ever noticed that the people who homeschool are often the least qualified to do so?
CW -- not really a Personae, it's where I work.
Maygan -- She's a girl. She works hard, but it doesn't count, because she's a girl. Apparently.
Castro -- Asshat. Gigantic Asshat.
Dayvid -- Not an asshat. This is not a priority for him. Which is awesome.
Jean -- He's slightly dim, extremely earnest. (Pronounce it like he's French.)

10:30 A.M. For today's rousing start, a representative from Sales Genie is visiting us to convince the gang to use his lead-generating/servicing/sorting/stalking service. I am immediately terrified, as he begins by gleefully informing us that they are the largest compiler of consumer information, and they "know how much people make, where they live, etc."

10:32 They were rated the worst commercial at the Super Bowl. I think this guy comes from Bizarro World, where worst is best and privacy is public.

10:40 Jesus, this is a lot of frightening information. He mentioned birth records, like people are going to market to infants. Here's your mail merge: "Congratulations <>, on vacating the womb! Tell your parents they need to buy a bigger house! And finance it with us!"

10:42 Thank God for the Federal Do Not Call list, and the fact that they legally have to obey it.

10:44 You can sort by hobbies and interests? Really? This sounds like something To Catch a Predator should look into. "John lists his interests as golf, bowling, classic cars, and... 12-year olds?"

10:45 Other information they have: number of credit cards, tax records, lake house, purchasing history... I'm going to either a) accumulate wealth in secret, or b) become a hermit. Or both. I'll buy a secret volcano lair, and my wealth will be invested in cruise missiles that can blow up telemarketers. Because that will be MY Do-Not-Call list. Also, it's ooky if the government compiles this sort of information if it's not for, say, taxation purposes, but if Big Brother is a private company, it's just freaky.

10:46 The hits just keep on coming: you can get the names of other people in the household so "if you call and reach somebody who just hangs up on you, you can try again." Did I mention To Catch A Predator already? I did?

10:50 "I work with 4 girls, and when they get bored, they look up single guys who make a lot of money."

10:51 You can't get cell phone numbers of VoIP numbers. Phew.

10:53 We get how much it costs. You're locked in for a year, and again, with the inappropriate glee: "People I signed up a couple weeks ago are pissed because they signed up for $400/month, and now it's $180/month for the first license, and then $100/month for each additional license." This, of course is followed up with the obligatory "Tom can sign up first," to which I respond, "Oh ha ha," in a tone which implies "You can get bent."

11:00 The stalker-software guy has left, and Dwag tells us that he's going to look into that so we don't get our asses sued if we use it. Boy, this sounds like a great product. I'll take 9.

11:02 We get to watch a video wherein the comedy is wholly unintentional. I know it's the "Wrong Way/Right Way" idea, but wow, it's bad.

11:04 Also, there are high school projects that are greenscreened better than this. They should've just had the one guy wear a green shirt, so it'd look like a floating head surrounded by video artifacts. It'd be great.

11:05 The woman in the video briefly has Reche Caldwell eyes.

11:08 Recap the previous training modules. Has anyone done anything, any progress to report? Success using the strategies? No? Nothing? Nobody's done anything? Are you breathing? It's early in the meeting, so the criticism will be very passive-aggressive.

11:10 And Rudi leaves to take a phone call.

11:12 Dwag actually makes a valid point about why you should be using the provided templates. They've done the legwork on this. The reaction could charitably be described as stoic. Fortunately, we'll get a little flowchart as to why this action plan is good. It seems to be written in cuneiform with arrows that go... places. Something bad happens in May, because there's a frowny-face there. I wish I had taken a picture.

11:14 Consistency! That's important to instill in these yahoos, because otherwise they'll get distracted by something shiny and forget until the lack of delicious MONEY brings them back around.

11:15 Welcome back, Rudi. Did you have a nice chat?

11:17 Dwag just nailed an excellent point about people coming in with nothing to do. This shouldn't happen, because it then causes me to have to do stupid work for them. Come in with a plan, and leave when you're done. Do some damn hell ass work, and don't ask me to do it for you. I don't want to talk to your customers. They're mostly troglodytes. Meanwhile these points are pretty much lost on most of these dead-eyed wankers.

11:20 Now, we're really cooking with gas, talking about how you can only control what you do, and if you're not satisfied with your pay or what-have-you, DO MORE, because you're paid on COMMISSION. It's not always everyone else's fault. I would like to cheer. But I do not.

11:23 "Are the majority of Realtors people we'd want to hang around with? No." Um, sorry, gang, but are the majority of you guys people that well-adjusted adults would like to hang around with? No, because you're mostly sleazebags with a wretched work ethic.

11:26 You don't slam your customer. Innnnteresting...

11:29 And, we have an inadvertent Michael Scott moment:

"I made it, Adrian!"

[Crickets]

"Rocky?" Pause. "Okay."

11:30 The good news is that CW's mandating these meetings, and Dwag actually knows these things. He might never have these conversations with these people if not for this. Not directly, anyway. It'd be this meandering treatise on sales... well, more meandering than it is, anyway.

11:35 How'd we get on to the "Don't cuss out jerks" lesson? It's enjoyable to play the Don't-Burn-Bridges Game, but I'm not sure how it's germane to the conversation. I think Dwag just wanted to tell a story about how some realtor was a jackass and Dwag won anyway. Whatevs.

11:38 In other news, I'm going to brain the peanut gallery with a crowbar. I just wish I could hear what they're saying. The sarcastic chuckles aren't that fun. You want to be sarcastic? Put it on your blog, buddy.

11:41 I remember that I need to do my taxes.

11:42 I give up clicking through the PowerPoint. Dwag's on autopilot and I'm lost.

11:43 I sneeze.

11:43:15 Twice.

11:45 I have no idea what to make of this. "I go into the house with the realtor and the customer," which is a weird procedure anyway... why do you have your mortgage guy with you when you're looking at a house, but apparently the seller has the following:

• A tiger chained up
• A pool table
• A submarine

I think he's implying that the seller's a weirdo and the realtor didn't... do enough research? I have no clue what the point could be. He moves on: "We're the highly-regulated industry there is." Hm. Could that be because it's:

• a) sketchier than any other industry AND
• b) deals in gigantic sacks of money, the mismanagement of which can ruin people for life AND
• c) is populated by people who want the biggest paycheck with the least amount of work (see a)?
• d) Maybe?

Wow. Two sets of bullet points. I am a hack.

11:47 "Bob, this is Maygan, I'm going to giggle my way on over there," is used as an example of a call you could make to a realtor. Because, see, Maygan's a girl and often giggles. And marginalizing women is how we roll around here.

11:50 We get a quick digression on to mental games. I don't know what this means, but it's in my notes.

11:51 It sounds like the art gallery that's under construction next door is threatening to break through the wall with explosives. I pray for the sweet release of death.

11:53 Drago breaks out the Richie Daley impersonation to imply that some sales move is lame-o.

11:55 Castro gets up and leaves to, I don't know, kill a puppy? Slap a ho? Douche? He just goes.

11:56 A rule to live by: "Don't make stuff up." Well, I'm down with that. This deserves its own post, as we go into a story about how once Dwag was going to buy a car from a guy who magically was into whatever Dwag liked to do. "You enjoy smack? SO DO I!"

11:58 Castro comes back. He unfortunately was not eaten by wolves. Just raised by them.

11:59 Dwag digresses to harp on taking a good app, a recommendation that will be wholly ignored by the assemblage because it's hard. It takes thought. "Fuck that noise," they say, with their body language.

12:02 Would you like to share your snarky comment with the rest of the class, Rudi? What's that? You take stuff off of an application? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? If they over-qualify, isn't that good? Oh, except you need to physically get more documentation. My heart breaks for you, watching your Sisyphean efforts to do your job correctly.

12:03 "If you're not doing your ratios manually, you're not doing your job." I wish we had more "If you're not doing [x], you're not doing your job," because I think we'd be here all day.

12:06 I take notice of a ton of fuzzies on my shirt. Die, static, die. (I'm just speaking German, don't worry.)

12:07 "...servicing your realtor." Hi-o.

12:10 Dwag's filtering out the cheese. Nice. Rudi takes another call. Less nice. These calls had better be from somebody important, like Jack Bauer. And I hope you get tortured in an hour or two.

12:12 Castro talks some shit to Dayvid sotto voce, Dayvid is not amused, but chuckles politely, because, why not?

12:13 Apparently, wanting to complete a transaction causes a "chemical response," which Dwag knows because he's a neurologist, apparently. Or an endocrinologist.

12:14 Rudi comes back. My hopes are unfulfilled.

12:15 Drago asks questions about the videos. No one answers. I threaten to show the videos again, to refresh their memories. People start answering questions. I'd be a great teacher.

12:18 "A woman comes out with a tiger on her back to sell fireplace rugs," Dwag says, in order to draw a distinction between Eastern European commercials and ours. Dwag's fired up about sales culture or something. It's a really weird digression to prove no point other than that he can do a funny accent ("You want the goat milk with your rug also?"). Plus, we get the Jessica Simpson "I don't know what it is, but I want it," impression. It's ludicrous.

12:22 Ice Mountain came with water, so I left the meeting.

12:25 Castro and Rudi chime in with suggestions for making things better. I ignore their suggestions, because they are dicks.

12:27 Dwag does his nervous "tell," as he explains how some managers resigned from the company recently. This is met with indistinct grumbling. I see.

12:29 We get our first invocation of "Joe's Mortgage and Crab Shack," which usually comes up 35 times by now.

12:30 We get to hear Dwag's #1 hit single "This Has Been Hard For All of Us (But Mostly Me)." Oh, by the way, Bruise walked out for some reason, a few minutes ago, and hasn't returned. (Note: He won't.)

12:33 That speech ends continues with a rousing statement of commitment. We also get the following:

"...that's not real professional" - Dwag

"Yeah" - Castro, chipping in from the rear of the room.

Shut up, Castro. You wouldn't know Professional if it tried you in The Hague.

12:36 In reference to some Profit/Loss woes we've been having, and the direct result to the Dwag: "Wanna know the minimum wage? Ask me."

Not. Funny. Even if we fail miserably, you'll be pushing six digits this year, big guy.

12:37 Shut up, Castro.

12:41 Where'd Rudi go?

12:42 Q&A time. Jean asks a question that makes no sense. He tries another tactic - tell it as a narrative. Still working out poorly. I guess a customer of his applied with him, then subsequently called the 800- number and applied again? And was directed to another consultant? Who was now servicing him (hi-o)? Why does this happen?

I'm going to guess that it's because you take the short bus to work, but that's just my hypothesis.

12:44 Apparently, we're going to get a list of customers from a defunct branch. I hope I get to disseminate it, because then jerks get nothing.

12:45 Whee! Now we're in the nailing-people-to-the-wall section of our meeting, when Dwag basically says "The solution to your problem is to take more applications," to everybody. That's fun. Meanwhile, Castro and Jean are participating in today's Pot/Kettle Theatre production of Death of a Salesman, vis a vis volume and consistency. Let me tell you, it's a scene.

12:47 We're done. Thank God.

This is the Jump.