I Was On Vacation, I'm Back, I'm Avoiding Work Already

I was waiting for my bags in the Midway Airport baggage claim yesterday, and I was interrupted from my iPod-based reverie by a crazy-eyed, but professionally-dressed woman who asked me how much the baggage carts were, while actually pointing at the price printed on the baggage cart dispenser. It made my answer ($3) a breeze, but was the last tumbler in the mental lock, and I knew I needed to write down what I'd do if I ran an Airline.



Simply put, I'd have a test. And if you passed this test, you'd get a card, or a key, or a password to allow you to join me on my airline of joy and peace, flying to specially-equipped airports. If you want to stratify, we'll add first class, so rich people can still show off. The test will be comprised of the following factors:

• Intelligence: Can you follow somewhat complex directions? Can you manipulate objects in three dimensions without smacking people around, or taking an inordinate amount of time? Failing that, can you ask for help in a competent and polite manner?


• Conversation: Can you avoid talking endlessly about stupid shit? Can you take a hint and leave your seatmate alone if they don't want to talk about your cats, or oil, or the government, or golf, or sports, or big business, or your goiter? If you are talking, can you do it in a tone of voice that doesn't involve everyone in the two rows behind you?


• Odor.


• This one was going to be Attractiveness, but that's really not fair. No, I take it back; that's completely fair. We'll leave it in. I want to fly with people who aren't freaky-looking. Take that, political correctness!


• Creepiness. Can you avoid being freaky to the flight attendants? And other patrons? Do you make people nervous? We'll have our crack team of adjudicators follow you around surreptitiously for a week to see how strangers react around you. That's the plan for the Conversation category, as well.

So, yeah, this isn't fair or equitable, but it's my airline, and I'll be discriminatory if I want to. And perhaps we'll weight it so if you smell somewhat weird, but aren't creepy, we'll let you on board. If you pass the test, and then act like an asshat on the plane, refusing to read signs, or trying to fit a queen-sized mattress in the overhead bin, or something like that, the plane will land immediately, put you off on the tarmac, take off again, and serve free drinks to the remaining passengers to make up for you.

The guys behind me talking loudly about how we sold F-16s to Israel and really really simplified foreign policy for three hours? They'll be ejected in mid-air. The people who wouldn't turn off their phones on the way out of Vegas? Placed in the cargo hold, and their phones smashed with hammers. Incapable of figuring out where to go to claim their baggage and what to do when they get there, without running over 35 random people in the process? Fed to wolves.

Additionally, if a member of my staff happens to be walking past a Southwest gate and hears someone in line complaining about their A/B/C system of boarding, they are empowered to strike that passenger with an open hand, at their discretion. It's not like they keep that a secret, idiots. You chose to fly Southwest, and part of the reason that it's cheap is that you deal with being treated like cattle for a few minutes.