Murderous Rage!

I don't know if I'm the only one who's ever heard the Beringer wine commercials on the radio, and I certainly hope that no one I care about has been subjected to them.

I want to find the voice "talent" for these commercials and tell them that the quickest way to Napa Valley is to go straight to hell. And then I'll key their cars.

I will then go to the ad agency that wrote this dreck and fill their desk drawers with spoiled meat. Then, I'll flood their break room with grape juice and cage all of their pets with skunks. If they do not have a pet, I will buy them a pet, and cage it with a skunk.

I will then go to the owners of the building of the ad agency, and hit them in the shins with a hockey stick.

I will then go to the architect of the building of the ad agency and slap them with the front of my hand. When they turn towards me with a surprised expression, I will slap them with the back of my hand. They won't know what they've done, but their concience must have been gnawing at them, from some unknown offense. This is that offense.

Finally, I will go to Napa Valley. Not the farmer's market down the street where you can get Salmon, scallops, and three live eels. Napa Valley for reals. I will open a bottle of Beringer, and drink it. I will then open another bottle of Beringer, and pour it on the ground as a salute to everyone creative and interesting who isn't working. These two empty bottles I will fill with kerosene and a rag. I will light the rag on fire, and throw one bottle into the winery and one into whatever main building Beringer inhabits.

Then I will go all Sherman on the vinyard.

That's how irritating these commercials are.

This is the Jump.

An Open Letter to Douchebags

First in a series

Dear Prius Guy With California Plates:

I see you're brushing your windshield with a broom. Oh! Your side windows, too! Just so you're aware, you look like a dink.

Oh, this part should be great. I'll wait.

...

Yes! That pebbling on your windshield is ice! No, the broom from your kitchen will not remove that. Your fingernail will take a long-ass time and give you frostbite. Well done.

Winter in Chicago will last until March, so I'd get to work on aquiring a scraper.

Welcome to the Big Ten,
C-Dog

This is the Jump.

Go Straight To Hell

Why use a $10 word when a 50¢ word will do?

Because I can, you sanctimonious bastard. Because. I. Can.

This is the Jump.