I'm a "Liveblogger"!

I get bored out of my mind at our meetings, because really, I couldn't care if most of these people succeed or not. In fact, I would be happier if some of them failed so spectacularly that future scholars use them as an example of Early 21st Century Incompetence. I've left details out so as to not get fired or what-have-you. Also because the actual business is BOR-ing.

A little background: I had to take minutes for the meeting anyway, so I figured I'd do it live blog-style, in case it got interesting. We were required to have these "Growing Your Business" meetings lately, to get the team to, well, "Grow Their Business." This concept was met with revulsion by the team, and they complained about it lustily. Too bad. They're mostly jerks, and their opinion doesn't count.

So, to share in and enjoy the dysfunction that is my job, and to revel in the abject loathing that I feel for some of these subhuman misanthropes, please, click, jump, read my "LIVE"BLOG OF A SALES MEETING.

Dramatis Personae (names have been changed badly to OBSCURE NOTHING, but FOIL GOOGLE)
Dwag -- He's the boss of you.
Rudi -- He's a dink. Homeschools his kids. Have you ever noticed that the people who homeschool are often the least qualified to do so?
CW -- not really a Personae, it's where I work.
Maygan -- She's a girl. She works hard, but it doesn't count, because she's a girl. Apparently.
Castro -- Asshat. Gigantic Asshat.
Dayvid -- Not an asshat. This is not a priority for him. Which is awesome.
Jean -- He's slightly dim, extremely earnest. (Pronounce it like he's French.)

10:30 A.M. For today's rousing start, a representative from Sales Genie is visiting us to convince the gang to use his lead-generating/servicing/sorting/stalking service. I am immediately terrified, as he begins by gleefully informing us that they are the largest compiler of consumer information, and they "know how much people make, where they live, etc."

10:32 They were rated the worst commercial at the Super Bowl. I think this guy comes from Bizarro World, where worst is best and privacy is public.

10:40 Jesus, this is a lot of frightening information. He mentioned birth records, like people are going to market to infants. Here's your mail merge: "Congratulations <>, on vacating the womb! Tell your parents they need to buy a bigger house! And finance it with us!"

10:42 Thank God for the Federal Do Not Call list, and the fact that they legally have to obey it.

10:44 You can sort by hobbies and interests? Really? This sounds like something To Catch a Predator should look into. "John lists his interests as golf, bowling, classic cars, and... 12-year olds?"

10:45 Other information they have: number of credit cards, tax records, lake house, purchasing history... I'm going to either a) accumulate wealth in secret, or b) become a hermit. Or both. I'll buy a secret volcano lair, and my wealth will be invested in cruise missiles that can blow up telemarketers. Because that will be MY Do-Not-Call list. Also, it's ooky if the government compiles this sort of information if it's not for, say, taxation purposes, but if Big Brother is a private company, it's just freaky.

10:46 The hits just keep on coming: you can get the names of other people in the household so "if you call and reach somebody who just hangs up on you, you can try again." Did I mention To Catch A Predator already? I did?

10:50 "I work with 4 girls, and when they get bored, they look up single guys who make a lot of money."

10:51 You can't get cell phone numbers of VoIP numbers. Phew.

10:53 We get how much it costs. You're locked in for a year, and again, with the inappropriate glee: "People I signed up a couple weeks ago are pissed because they signed up for $400/month, and now it's $180/month for the first license, and then $100/month for each additional license." This, of course is followed up with the obligatory "Tom can sign up first," to which I respond, "Oh ha ha," in a tone which implies "You can get bent."

11:00 The stalker-software guy has left, and Dwag tells us that he's going to look into that so we don't get our asses sued if we use it. Boy, this sounds like a great product. I'll take 9.

11:02 We get to watch a video wherein the comedy is wholly unintentional. I know it's the "Wrong Way/Right Way" idea, but wow, it's bad.

11:04 Also, there are high school projects that are greenscreened better than this. They should've just had the one guy wear a green shirt, so it'd look like a floating head surrounded by video artifacts. It'd be great.

11:05 The woman in the video briefly has Reche Caldwell eyes.

11:08 Recap the previous training modules. Has anyone done anything, any progress to report? Success using the strategies? No? Nothing? Nobody's done anything? Are you breathing? It's early in the meeting, so the criticism will be very passive-aggressive.

11:10 And Rudi leaves to take a phone call.

11:12 Dwag actually makes a valid point about why you should be using the provided templates. They've done the legwork on this. The reaction could charitably be described as stoic. Fortunately, we'll get a little flowchart as to why this action plan is good. It seems to be written in cuneiform with arrows that go... places. Something bad happens in May, because there's a frowny-face there. I wish I had taken a picture.

11:14 Consistency! That's important to instill in these yahoos, because otherwise they'll get distracted by something shiny and forget until the lack of delicious MONEY brings them back around.

11:15 Welcome back, Rudi. Did you have a nice chat?

11:17 Dwag just nailed an excellent point about people coming in with nothing to do. This shouldn't happen, because it then causes me to have to do stupid work for them. Come in with a plan, and leave when you're done. Do some damn hell ass work, and don't ask me to do it for you. I don't want to talk to your customers. They're mostly troglodytes. Meanwhile these points are pretty much lost on most of these dead-eyed wankers.

11:20 Now, we're really cooking with gas, talking about how you can only control what you do, and if you're not satisfied with your pay or what-have-you, DO MORE, because you're paid on COMMISSION. It's not always everyone else's fault. I would like to cheer. But I do not.

11:23 "Are the majority of Realtors people we'd want to hang around with? No." Um, sorry, gang, but are the majority of you guys people that well-adjusted adults would like to hang around with? No, because you're mostly sleazebags with a wretched work ethic.

11:26 You don't slam your customer. Innnnteresting...

11:29 And, we have an inadvertent Michael Scott moment:

"I made it, Adrian!"

[Crickets]

"Rocky?" Pause. "Okay."

11:30 The good news is that CW's mandating these meetings, and Dwag actually knows these things. He might never have these conversations with these people if not for this. Not directly, anyway. It'd be this meandering treatise on sales... well, more meandering than it is, anyway.

11:35 How'd we get on to the "Don't cuss out jerks" lesson? It's enjoyable to play the Don't-Burn-Bridges Game, but I'm not sure how it's germane to the conversation. I think Dwag just wanted to tell a story about how some realtor was a jackass and Dwag won anyway. Whatevs.

11:38 In other news, I'm going to brain the peanut gallery with a crowbar. I just wish I could hear what they're saying. The sarcastic chuckles aren't that fun. You want to be sarcastic? Put it on your blog, buddy.

11:41 I remember that I need to do my taxes.

11:42 I give up clicking through the PowerPoint. Dwag's on autopilot and I'm lost.

11:43 I sneeze.

11:43:15 Twice.

11:45 I have no idea what to make of this. "I go into the house with the realtor and the customer," which is a weird procedure anyway... why do you have your mortgage guy with you when you're looking at a house, but apparently the seller has the following:

• A tiger chained up
• A pool table
• A submarine

I think he's implying that the seller's a weirdo and the realtor didn't... do enough research? I have no clue what the point could be. He moves on: "We're the highly-regulated industry there is." Hm. Could that be because it's:

• a) sketchier than any other industry AND
• b) deals in gigantic sacks of money, the mismanagement of which can ruin people for life AND
• c) is populated by people who want the biggest paycheck with the least amount of work (see a)?
• d) Maybe?

Wow. Two sets of bullet points. I am a hack.

11:47 "Bob, this is Maygan, I'm going to giggle my way on over there," is used as an example of a call you could make to a realtor. Because, see, Maygan's a girl and often giggles. And marginalizing women is how we roll around here.

11:50 We get a quick digression on to mental games. I don't know what this means, but it's in my notes.

11:51 It sounds like the art gallery that's under construction next door is threatening to break through the wall with explosives. I pray for the sweet release of death.

11:53 Drago breaks out the Richie Daley impersonation to imply that some sales move is lame-o.

11:55 Castro gets up and leaves to, I don't know, kill a puppy? Slap a ho? Douche? He just goes.

11:56 A rule to live by: "Don't make stuff up." Well, I'm down with that. This deserves its own post, as we go into a story about how once Dwag was going to buy a car from a guy who magically was into whatever Dwag liked to do. "You enjoy smack? SO DO I!"

11:58 Castro comes back. He unfortunately was not eaten by wolves. Just raised by them.

11:59 Dwag digresses to harp on taking a good app, a recommendation that will be wholly ignored by the assemblage because it's hard. It takes thought. "Fuck that noise," they say, with their body language.

12:02 Would you like to share your snarky comment with the rest of the class, Rudi? What's that? You take stuff off of an application? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? If they over-qualify, isn't that good? Oh, except you need to physically get more documentation. My heart breaks for you, watching your Sisyphean efforts to do your job correctly.

12:03 "If you're not doing your ratios manually, you're not doing your job." I wish we had more "If you're not doing [x], you're not doing your job," because I think we'd be here all day.

12:06 I take notice of a ton of fuzzies on my shirt. Die, static, die. (I'm just speaking German, don't worry.)

12:07 "...servicing your realtor." Hi-o.

12:10 Dwag's filtering out the cheese. Nice. Rudi takes another call. Less nice. These calls had better be from somebody important, like Jack Bauer. And I hope you get tortured in an hour or two.

12:12 Castro talks some shit to Dayvid sotto voce, Dayvid is not amused, but chuckles politely, because, why not?

12:13 Apparently, wanting to complete a transaction causes a "chemical response," which Dwag knows because he's a neurologist, apparently. Or an endocrinologist.

12:14 Rudi comes back. My hopes are unfulfilled.

12:15 Drago asks questions about the videos. No one answers. I threaten to show the videos again, to refresh their memories. People start answering questions. I'd be a great teacher.

12:18 "A woman comes out with a tiger on her back to sell fireplace rugs," Dwag says, in order to draw a distinction between Eastern European commercials and ours. Dwag's fired up about sales culture or something. It's a really weird digression to prove no point other than that he can do a funny accent ("You want the goat milk with your rug also?"). Plus, we get the Jessica Simpson "I don't know what it is, but I want it," impression. It's ludicrous.

12:22 Ice Mountain came with water, so I left the meeting.

12:25 Castro and Rudi chime in with suggestions for making things better. I ignore their suggestions, because they are dicks.

12:27 Dwag does his nervous "tell," as he explains how some managers resigned from the company recently. This is met with indistinct grumbling. I see.

12:29 We get our first invocation of "Joe's Mortgage and Crab Shack," which usually comes up 35 times by now.

12:30 We get to hear Dwag's #1 hit single "This Has Been Hard For All of Us (But Mostly Me)." Oh, by the way, Bruise walked out for some reason, a few minutes ago, and hasn't returned. (Note: He won't.)

12:33 That speech ends continues with a rousing statement of commitment. We also get the following:

"...that's not real professional" - Dwag

"Yeah" - Castro, chipping in from the rear of the room.

Shut up, Castro. You wouldn't know Professional if it tried you in The Hague.

12:36 In reference to some Profit/Loss woes we've been having, and the direct result to the Dwag: "Wanna know the minimum wage? Ask me."

Not. Funny. Even if we fail miserably, you'll be pushing six digits this year, big guy.

12:37 Shut up, Castro.

12:41 Where'd Rudi go?

12:42 Q&A time. Jean asks a question that makes no sense. He tries another tactic - tell it as a narrative. Still working out poorly. I guess a customer of his applied with him, then subsequently called the 800- number and applied again? And was directed to another consultant? Who was now servicing him (hi-o)? Why does this happen?

I'm going to guess that it's because you take the short bus to work, but that's just my hypothesis.

12:44 Apparently, we're going to get a list of customers from a defunct branch. I hope I get to disseminate it, because then jerks get nothing.

12:45 Whee! Now we're in the nailing-people-to-the-wall section of our meeting, when Dwag basically says "The solution to your problem is to take more applications," to everybody. That's fun. Meanwhile, Castro and Jean are participating in today's Pot/Kettle Theatre production of Death of a Salesman, vis a vis volume and consistency. Let me tell you, it's a scene.

12:47 We're done. Thank God.