The Names Have Not Been Changed, In Order to Ensure Hilarity*

Dear Rex and Angel Doom:You currently have an adjustable rate mortgage on your Single Family Volcano Lair at 67 E. Goering St. The rate is determined by adding your margin (fixed for life) and your index (changes monthly). Your margin is currently [redacted] The index for the month of July is 4.4317%. Your fully indexed interest rate on your July statement is [redacted].

[boring financial information redacted]

Currently, real estate prices are increasing on Skull Island, and in addition to being able to reduce your monthly payments, we may be able to free up equity in your volcano lair to allow you to expand your empire with greater ease. Perhaps you have been looking for money to install an undersea lair, or looking to purchase a vacation stronghold? We can discuss equity lines of credit, if you would like to call.

Other families in your area that I have assisted financially include: Colonel and Mrs. Chaos, Dr. Roboto, and "Elaine" and "Gene" Notnaziwarcriminals.

Remember, you can't spell "The Death Laser" without "real estate."

Well, you can, if you drop "The." And it doesn't make a lot of sense anyway, but go with it.

Yours in eeeeevil,

[signature]


*everything else has been changed, however. Rex and Angel Doom are actual people. People whose names make life worth living.

This is the Jump.

In other news...

I'm determining the interest in another Tri-Park Miniature Golf Invitational. I don't want to go the summer without it. I like making the movies. It's enjoyable. I don't know. These are total flyaway thoughts. I just want to get something back on this blog.

This is the Jump.

Hey, Zinedine:

I was headbutting people before headbutting was cool.

This is the Jump.