Actual statements!

Ryan: "Let's get a zamboni on eBay..."

Tom: "Okay."

Ryan: "The next words out of my mouth were going to be 'so we don't have to put up with this shit.'"

[Pause]

"What shit do we put up with that would require a zamboni?"

This is the Jump.

Genius!

I just wanted to share this experience from this morning.

I was driving along behind a dump-y kind of truck. I mean, it was a truck in the manner of a dump truck, but not quite. The kind that carries things. Junk. Detrius. Whatever. And I thought to myself, "Gee, I feel like I should move from behind this truck into the left lane."

No sooner had I executed this plan, than the truck did decide to let loose a hailstorm of dirt and clumpy business directly into the path of some other poor sot. I think it was all crumbly bits, but neverthless, I was elated.

Also, I got cast at the audition as Adam in Neil Labute's The Shape of Things. So, that's good too. It's in Glen Ellyn, so that's less than ideal, but whatevs, right?

This is the Jump.

Problem Solving!

I had quite the predicament to solve for someone today. But in order to make it a little more interesting, let me drop an analogy on your collective ass.

Okay. Imagine you have a kite. Your kite's flying along, doing what kites are designed to do. Suddenly, a gust of wind takes your kite right into a tree. Oh no! Trouble! Your kite and string are tangled! What do you do? I know. You yank as hard as you can. Ooh, that didn't help - now it's really wound tight. Perhaps tossing the handle end up into the branches, to make gravity unravel things. That didn't work? Okay. Then crash a car into the tree and set the car on fire.

"What happened here?"

"I got my kite caught in a tree."

"I see. And why is everything, including a Toyota Celica, on fire?"

"Nobody told me not to crash my car into a tree."

"And set it on fire?"

"I don't see the problem. Can you get my kite? I can't figure out how to get it. And now everything's on fire, so you'll have to hurry."

This is the Jump.

Late night quandry

When the hell was I talking about vampire dinosaurs? And why was I doing it?

This is the Jump.

Extra Credit! (For reals, this time)

Okay, remember when I said 9 AM yesterday? I was just kidding. How's 9 AM today sound?

Now, the idea, after 24 hours of ruminating, doesn't seem quite as good, but here we go, anyway.

If I were a history teacher, I would give a point or two of extra credit for kids who could come up with amusing fantasy league names based on the unit we were studing. Like the Maginot Linemen, if we were studying WWII. If it also related to the sport (Linemen, for football, as opposed to the Lewis and Clark Expeditions), then you get a second point. Then I could be the teacher that has fantasy football leagues.

Okay, seeing it in "print," I don't like it as much. Whatever.

This is the Jump.

File under "A" for "Aaaagh"

Here's what I'm going to do. When there is an accident on the highway, I'm going to sit on the opposite side of the road, with the following items:

A digital camera
Rollerblades
A stopwatch

Whenever someone looks at the accident for more than 35 seconds, and/or slows down significantly to see it, I will skate over there with take a picture of them, and their license plate and skate away. When I have tired of this, I will take their license plates, find out where they live and show up to their houses with the following items:

Locusts

Or failing that:

Bees

And I will fill their mailbox. If they do not have a mailbox, or their mailbox is inaccessible, I will put the locusts or bees in a box marked "Dean and Deluca," and leave it on their doorstep.

This is the Jump.

Extra Credit

I just had an idea - if I were a teacher - to give extra credit. I'll explain it when I'm not trying to catch the train. More at 9 AM.

I love having ideas in the shower! It's been a while.

This is the Jump.

Finally posted

The video that I finished a couple weeks ago about the Tri-Park is on my .mac site. I'd like to make a longer one, but I can't find music that's long enough. Even with this one and the trailer, there's a ton of good footage left over.

This is the Jump.

This really isn't as morbid as it seems

But, I thought of this while driving past the cemetary today. Those things are pretty full.

So, when I go, stick me on a boat, set it on fire, and shove it out to sea. You can stick a marker where I shoved off. Or, if it's a beach, and you don't like that idea, find a cliff that overlooks that shoving-off point, and slap a tablet or something there. Or a giant obelisk. Or, really any obelisk. If you want me in Chicago, just shove me into Lake Michigan. From the Lakefill would be nice. But not that lighthouse. Don't get cute.

This is the Jump.