I Finally Saw "The Depaahted"

Hi. I'm Martin Scorcese.

I made this movie to show you, the general populace, the following things:

• Violence
• Silly accents (damn, I wish I had made Thirteen Days - those accents were wicked crazy.)
• That, since you already think I'm a friggin' genius, I can do whatever I want.

To that end, I have filled this movie with as much weird shit as I can possibly muster. You want a camera angle inside a guy's coat pocket? I'll make you think I used a camera attached to a wood tick. It'll be awesome. I'm going to push in on people as the whim strikes me. You want names? Marky Mark's funky bunch now includes Martin Sheen, and I'll have him make up new clever curse words. How's Jack Nicholson strike you? I won't even direct him. I'm just going to turn the camera on and then I'll let him wander around and say the first shit that pops into his head. Fuck my steadicam operator, I'll give that guy a torn ACL if it kills me. I hate those guys. I'm going to screw with the Foley guys, too. That'll be great. Where was I?

Oh, right. Here's people getting shot for you. Everywhere. If someone's not bleeding from the head, I haven't done my job. This coke-and-hookers scene needs more... opera. That's what it needs, more opera. I'm bored. What's a new way to work in someone being shot in the head?

Damn, I love the Stones.

Isn't this a great movie? I made a friggin' mobius strip, here. Speed up, up the film, slow down the film, dutch angle. It's so tense! SMASH CUT! SMASHCUTSMASHCUTSMASHCUTI'MSOHIGHRIGHTNOW. Iris in.

Wait - where's Alec Baldwin? I haven't seen his Alec Baldwin impersonation in a while. That cracks me up. It's an action movie, it's a thriller, it's a psychodrama, it's everything all in one. And to prove it, I'll use smashed mirrors and picture frames, glass breaking - ooh! Religious imagery, I like that stuff. I wanted President Bartlet to go all kung fu on somebody, but it didn't really work out quite right. That would've been badass, right? Oh, well, I had him drop a bunch of f-bombs instead.

But I digress.

I made a(nother) long-ass movie. Give me an Oscar.

Love,

Martin Scorcese

P.S. You gave that pederast Polanski an Oscar. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHAT DO YOU NEED? I'm going to go film someone being shot in the head again.

Update (2/27, 9:15 PST): Thanks. -MS