An Open Letter to Douchebags

Second in an occasional series

Dear Smarmy Smarmerson:

I could not help but notice your artfully and precisely rolled cuffs - yes, it is warm in Chicago these days. Also, someone had better call Ravi Vindaloo to tame those pythons you've unleashed! Ass. Additionally, you must tell me how you managed to have both sassily mussed hair and yet have the petroleum output of Venezuela on your head. That's remarkable.

I also want to commend you on the way that you're chatting up attractive women on the El. It doesn't make you look like a scuzzball at all! I'm being sarcastic! I think she's really interested in the fact that you work at Washington and Dearborn and that you're a Financial Wanker! I'm being sarcastic again!

In conclusion, fall in a hole and die.

With vitriol,

C-Dog